A Trophy Husband?
I always believed that I would marry a person based on his character and vision in life. Of course since I am an artist I would like my husband to be attractive, but that doesn’t mean he has to be gorgeous. Even ok-looking individuals can look beautiful because their wonderful personality makes them look very attractive. It’s all in the eye of the beholder.
Speaking from personal experience, a few days ago it dawned on me that some girls will marry a man based on his vital statistics. Najma, for example, will marry a man who is an Arab so that she, non-Arab, can climb up the cultural and thus societal ladder. This is what she believes. Some women will want others to treat them as royalty because they believe they have married into a superior culture. Hanna, an Egyptian, will believe no one will beat her trophy-husband-of-a-catch, a husband who is half American, half Egyptian. And she will simply die out of jealousy and rage if someone marries a better catch than hers. She wants to climb up the cultural and social ladder all by herself. No sharing here!
I’m not sure if this is prevalent in many societies, but it is quite frightening to believe that some people will go to such lengths to build an glamorous sort of exterior to their marriage. What happened to the interior? The relationship itself between husband and wife? The spiritual union? Is it just about having a trophy husband for some girls? (I only concentrate on girls this time round because I’m speaking on my experience on this issue).
Perhaps there are some girls out there who are actually thinking about the relationship, the spiritual union, and are still quite proud that their husbands are from abroad, or are half-half. I’m not criticising them.
I’m just completely flabbergasted with the girls who only think about the social appearance, the girls who get married this way to prove a point- that they have the best guy hanging on their arm and no one else should do better. The girls who show off to their friends that they’ve married a “white guy”, or a “rich guy”, or a “westerner”, or a “convert”.
These labels must add a lot of pressure to some of the girls receiving proposals. They might reject a really great guy just because he doesn’t fit with what she thinks people will be impressed with.
She will wait around for a guy who will make everyone envious towards their union, so she can smile with pleasure that people want her life and want what she’s got and what they haven’t: a trophy husband she can polish once in a while and place in a shelf with her other materialistic societal “must haves”.
So where does that leave me, I wonder. Will I ever stoop so low and marry someone for trophy purposes, so I can make others jealous, so I can show everyone how well I’ve done for myself, so I can show others that I’ve got a better catch then theirs? Or will I marry for the right reasons. The reasons that will make a happy marriage last.
Seems as if you already know the answer!
goodbadandugly2
November 5, 2008 at 1:21 am
Marry someone because you love them for who they are, and who God made them to be.
It’s ridiculous the stupid reasons people get married… Money, lust, societal expectations, familial expectations… It’s also easier to get married that way, I believe. If you are selfish and choose someone so that it can just benefit you, instead of wanting to give to the relationship… It will always be easy to find a husband if you are looking for status or lust. Much harder if you hold out for the right one!
But just wait a few years– those trophy marriages will become wilted and unattractive– because there isn’t true love!
Sakiina
November 4, 2008 at 11:34 pm
“they believe they have married into a superior culture” – very interesting.. one of my friends was always obsessed with Arab culture although she isn’t arab she would always express to me her wish to marry an arab. She actually did marry one but he didn’t treat her very well… I think she was more obsessed with the idea of marrying into a culture she thought was superior than on paying attention to WHO she was really marrying. They’re divorced now.
'liya
November 5, 2008 at 3:52 am
Marry someone you love and then become over ambitious freaks so you are both each others trophies
.
jessyz
November 5, 2008 at 6:54 am
That’s the reason why most marraiges fail this day! People marry for the wrong reasons! I once saw on tv this woman who married a japanese man because she wanted her kids to have asian eyes wth?
hijabee
November 5, 2008 at 9:08 pm
interesting topics… it happen in my country too… hmm
qrueger
November 6, 2008 at 3:25 am
thats so true, sister. The only one I can understand is familial expectations because at the end of the day you need a ground base for a good marriage. There really is not point annoying family right from the start.
But, saying that, it should not be an issue. Allah asks us to marry one for their deen, akhlaq and so on. Nothing else so shallow should come so close.
Its so sad. But , you seem an intelligent sister, marry for the right reasons for we are all accountable to Allah.
I love your blog and am happy your back.
salamu alaykum.
rummage
November 6, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Hi there, I’ve been reading your blog for a while, but decided to stop lurking after reading this post!
I used to want to marry an Egyptian. I’m a Westerner and white and blonde, so it wasn’t hard to locate potential ‘candidates’. Everyone from taxi drivers to company directors in Egypt were offering their ’services’ (unprompted). Trouble was that I actually wanted to be in love and have it reciprocated. I almost found it, but in the end it didn’t work out. What was particularly attractive to me about Egyptian men was that they seemed to value women in a totally different way (better) than men back in the West, especially Northern Europe and North America. I still hold that they do, but for me, it’s not an issue anymore.
I have Egyptian girlfriends who are obsessed with the ‘trophy’ husband, often prompted by their parents (read: mother). Prospective partners have to tick hundreds of boxes: family reputation, job title (with the Dr title featuring frequently and high up the list), future prospects, ‘wallet bulge’, where his apartment is/will be.
That being said, I see exactly the same shopping list going on with my Egyptian male friends. It just tends to be a little shorter. Girls are judged purely on their looks in many, many cases. And of course their chastity. While love at first sight may or may not be an issue, there seems to be a long, long list of physical qualities.
While I have heard both sexes talk at length about what they want in a partner, often at length, I have never, ever heard any of them, male or female (aged from 20 – 38), talk about any type of spiritual side to marriage.
trailinggrouse
November 6, 2008 at 2:51 pm
Hmm. Imma a guy and I have always wondered about this too!
Will I marry a dark but awesome personality girl?
Or will I go with the trend look for the most prettiest lightest girl who could be mean who could be horrible and make life hard.
Something to think about!
anyways, my name’s Faique
I run a blog,
http://themuslimkid.blogspot.com/
check it out sometime!
-The Muslim Kid-
The Muslim Kid
November 7, 2008 at 6:42 pm
I remember when I first became Muslim, another convert lady actually told me that her status went up in the community when she got married. I’m sure it was true, but I was shocked that she told me that, and that she had put it that way!
musicalchef
November 7, 2008 at 8:01 pm
Ms Unique -
I recently, and at random, discovered your blog. I appreciate your observations of the community, and perhaps it sheds some light on the situation I face. I am dismayed over the process of finding a suitable spouse, and the candidates that are available.
I can’t find a girl who is sufficiently conservative (ie. has not had any prior relationships and is reasonably religious) that lives in the US. I am finding that the girls (ie. Arab muslims and the like) are more likely to go astray (read between the lines). I know first hand that all in my close community have.
It’s disheartening and disappointing that this is the case, and I’m beginning to feel hopelessness.
Could you please comment on the process a bit more? Girls in the US seem to be a bit apprehensive about the whole suitor thing. I am getting fed up with it as well because its too random and you just don’t know what your getting exactly (my most recent experience leaves me quite shocked). I don’t know how exactly they expect to meet a guy, but for someone such as myself who has been working and does not live in a neighborhood or close to a large arab or muslim community, its quite difficult for me to meet the right person.
I’m not sure why I felt your blog is the right place to vent this frustration – excuse moi.
-dd
dd
November 8, 2008 at 4:03 pm
Easy to say when you speak in theory – but when you’re faced with lovely guy who youre not attracted to, versus, not-as-lovely but breathtakingly beautiful guy – believe me, the beautifil guy wins every time…because at the end of the day, you have to kiss this man, hold his hand, your children will look like him. You need to (…ahem…) ‘reproduce ‘with this person…for the rest of your life. Attraction is of utmost importantce – as is how others regard him; because how others are with him, around him and in response to him – affects your attraction levels towards him
Anon
November 9, 2008 at 2:16 pm
Um…this happens in every single society! I am a convert to Islam, a bigger female in my 20’s, and I get stares all the time from men. I hear their snorted laughs. I am not beautiful, but I would rather marry someone with a beautiful heart.
Malika
November 10, 2008 at 7:33 am
ur an artist ? wut you do ? singing ?
Abdullah Ghani
November 14, 2008 at 12:53 pm
“I’m just completely flabbergasted with the girls who only think about the social appearance, the girls who get married this way to prove a point- that they have the best guy hanging on their arm and no one else should do better. The girls who show off to their friends that they’ve married a “white guy”, or a “rich guy”, or a “westerner”, or a “convert”.”
That’s sadly true.
mohamed from North Africa
November 15, 2008 at 11:35 am
I can not believe such people exist!! , Its funny I would prefer not marry an Arab based only on their reputation , but I would never refuse a proposel, I would always give the guy a try , no matter what my judgements and stereotypes may be .
That is so stupid , that , thats how some woman think ! For me marriage is an amazing union and companionship! I would hate people envying me .
Smiley Amal !
November 17, 2008 at 7:08 pm
Assalamualaikum,
There is reason to believe that you jolly well know which is the most sensible.
Such scenarios are fast emerging here as well. The idea of whether someone is marrying into the culture for the sake as mentioned or to the person as a total acceptance of his/her characteristics; basically the person inside, was recently a debatable subject amongst my friends and I. Rather uncanny.
To each to their own.
W’salam,
Hajar
Hajar Alwi
November 19, 2008 at 4:34 am
Assalamu Alaikum,
I came across this blog through random searches. Nice blog though =)
It is sad that those girls still exist; who use men to climb up the ladder of extravagant social life . Marry someone who will keep you & make you happy for the rest of the life and have a successful life and not someone whom you can use to make others jealous. Because at the end of the day , it is about your life & not people who are getting jealous !
Malika: Welcome to the fold of Islam. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder =D … those men are idiots ! Every creation of Allah is beautiful & so are you !
Unique Muslimah ! awesome blog … hope to read more of your posts
Oceandrop
November 29, 2008 at 5:49 am
As sallamu alaykum. May you find what you really “want” as a husband. one that will make happy and will be your companion to jannah.
Linus
December 1, 2008 at 3:02 am
Salaam,
I think each culture/sub-culture has strong trophy wife/husband traditions which present themselves in varying degrees and forms. As an American married to an Egyptian I see the “trophy marriage” as pretty much the MAIN way people get married in the Middle East. When my husband was single people were constantly trying to hook him up with women based merely on empty descriptions like “she went to AUC, she is fair skinned, thin, and her parents own the famous such and such company”…and my husband was described as an attractive catch based solely on details like “he’s from the such and such family, he’s a civil engineer, educated in Europe, has two master’s degrees, owns a home in Maadi, tall, fair skinned, athletic”…the fact that two people would get married based on such insignificant details really shocked my foolish, romantic, American senses but as I got more familiar with Egyptian culture I saw that many (dare I say most?) marriages are based pretty much on these trophy stats.
Also, you stated that Najma wanted to marry an Arab to raise her status in society but in most of the Arab world marrying a Westerner is seen as a huge status booster. Many Egyptian women judge women like me because our husbands (someone they viewed as a “good catch”) were “snatched up” by evil, loose Western women. They assume our husbands married us simply because we’re American, etc. In the Middle East (having traveled extensively and lived here for three years) Americans/Westerners in general are treated 100 times better than Arabs. I’ve even had Arab women tell me that I shouldn’t wear hijab b/c it makes me look Arab…or, when I speak people gasp and say “oh, sorry…we just thought you were Palestinian b/c there are lots of white, green eyed Palestinians”…
I even have a dear friend of mine who is an American convert currently living in Cairo and she is basically in love with this guy who is also madly in love with her. He will never marry my friend b/c his family already has plans for him to marry a specific trophy girl. The girl they want him to marry is from a very rich family, she’s half french, has blue eyes, etc. It doesn’t matter that she has no personality, shares none of the same interests as the guy, and is totally void of all intelligence…no, what matters is that she is a trophy (my friend would also be viewed as a trophy but the fact that she’s American would make the marriage a bit controversial so that’s a no-no).
My own husband who is usually “above” all that pettiness sometimes behaves based on his social conditioning. For example, his sister (my SIL) is married to his best friend. If they are having any kind of problem in their marriage (nothing major just normal stuff) and I defend his sister’s side of the argument my husband will say “She should be happy and stop complaining…he’s a famous doctor from the such and such family and he’s very kind to her” Apparently being rich and not beating your wife makes you the perfect husband…???
Ok I guess I should stop the rambling…
Masalaama,
Emily
Emily
December 2, 2008 at 10:39 am
I can certainly understand your words — sifting through the suitor/husband list is …. different. I try to talk it out in my recent marriage-blog too.
I wonder what you’ll think:
http://www.questfortherightone.blogspot.com
Salams sis,
Quest — i’m a girl
questfortherightone@blogspot.com
December 11, 2008 at 12:08 am
Its only superficial if that is all you are looking for. Because in the beginning his “stats” are all you can go on. Race, Looks, Job or education, Family background, Friends Neighborhood he lives in.
You dont know if he is a nice guy or religious or not you just know that he is a doctor or med student a plumber or has a GED. I am African American and married but when I was looking All those things mattered in addition to his deen and if he was a nice guy or not.
I recently was going to advise a friend to seek out a non black man since they so often marry outside of the race when successful. Just wondering what the men think of African American women?
Ibtisam
December 11, 2008 at 11:01 am
It’s a wonder that muslim marriages are failing now more so than ever before.
The Prophet Sa.w. did tell us that:-
“A woman (or man) may be married for four things: for her wealth, for her noble descent, for her beauty or for her religion. Choose the one who is religious, lest your hands be rubbed with dust!” (Bukhari and Muslim)
I’m saddened by how superficial we muslims have now become
, shows how we have indeed strayed far from the Sunnah.
Fatima
January 5, 2009 at 3:57 pm
Salaam,
reaching that stage i do struggle with this thought sometimes.
but actually meeting someone that makes me realize how love based on the love for Allah brings so much peacefulness rather than having to think what others would think, is just so relieving.
miss unique, you’re just dwelling with the thought because perhaps you havent met that person who can make you love him far beyond than what he can show you on the outside.
so good luck on finding your Mr Perfect (in the inside)!
Azie
January 14, 2009 at 1:23 pm
Thanks Azie, I’m just baffled with the people who follow such ideas in their lives. Thank you!
Unique Muslimah
January 16, 2009 at 10:57 pm
assalamualikum all my dear brothers and sisters
alhamdulillah i found this blog its seems really interesting issue to talk , let me share my experiences to all of you,,, well alhamdulillah i have get married in august and my husband actually he is a serbian who has just converted before we know eachother and he lives in london, we know eachother by Allah willing through the net, we start like usually people in an islam site matrimony, and we dont know eachother yet just keep chatting and talking on phone, and i m an indonesian.first i dont believe when someone that you has just know in a week propose you straight away..and i said we both eachother has to do istikhara the prayer we offer for make a decision and asking Allah to help us, at first time i dont believe in him why he has to find someone so faraway, but alhamdulillahi it was amazing that he really knows better as a young muslim, he knows better the rules and the purpose of life,we talk about many stuff in islam alhamdulillah i grew up in muslim country and family which brought up islam as the way of life, coz one thing i do believe that what Allah said in quran the good believer with the good believer ….i keep remember this in my mind, and alhamdulillah before i get married with him i never make a date , or what you call have a boy friend.and now we are husband and wife …and i found that many new things we found about eachother and i thank to Allah that he shows us the beautiful relationship in a marriages, everyday we studied and open mind what is the righht for husband and wife in islam,even now we have a problem that we have to live separately regarding the visa issue, we still keep in touch and support eachother, at least everyday we talk in net 2-3 hours, and insyaAllah we keep this relationship because of Allah, he united us so eventhough we are live separately it makes our love more stronger coz we remind eachother that our life in this dunia (world)is very short and we have try to enjoy and be patients in this world because we will never feel the real happines if we not try to be patient and enjoy whatever happen but sure we struggle our best to live together to raise the children in islam,until now we never stop to learn quran and hadith, as i do love my husband because Allah told me so in quran,, and alhamdulillah my husband he is very kind and patiently treath me,yes..ofcourse we have different oppinion in several things but we always try to openmind and discussing for the sake of the truth and we respect eachother opinion as long as not make us go astray and againts islam,i couldnt forget when we pray together 5 times a day..when we was watching the lectures, and when we cry while we pray coz my husband has to leave me, but try to make baiti jannati (our home our paradise)so at least in this world we have try and have a beautiful life, even we have small problem that seems very hard to find the way out, but we do believe by getting closer to our creator Allah who is the most merciful and most gracious ,and learn day by day insyaAllah everything what we see in this life looks very small, and insyaAlllah we asking that Allah will keep this realtionship as the way to go to the real life jannah (paradise)amiien…. we try to smile eventhough we know how hard life is to deal with,,,thank Allah to show us the beautiful life in our marriage,,, i kow this would be a sweeet memories for us to remember in the future insyaAllah we life together..
and i want to share my story just for those who not believe or just think that marriage is to reach the higher the status to have trophy, there is someting more valuable beyond anything. to have peace,and someone that always there with you in whatever condition cares about you, understand and try to be understood ,,talk honestly heart to heart ofcouse this is you cannot get if we not try to find what is the purpose of the life for????? that is from our creator Allah he knows better than we,,,so ask him and we believe he is working on us.
wassalam,,may Allah always guide us.
and for my dear husband, may Allah always be with you and fill up his light in your heart, keep praying and smiling alwayssssssss…….
uhibuka… i love you
Rahma Rahimah
January 25, 2009 at 1:21 am
It’s sad but true that is how many people are now a days. They only care about superficial things, status. By having that it doesn’t guarantee a happy marriage. I just pray for a good guy one day and that were happy.
fatema
January 26, 2009 at 5:58 am
salam aleykum i just came across this post and subhanallah its so true.
i used to live in europe but moved to an arab country..
the first thing ppl look for here is the girl has to be as white as possible,tall, skinny, does she have a special education??
and subhanallah someone was looking for a bride for her son and she was looking for those things, a lady told her about this nice practicing sister but that wasnt wat she was looking for.. her son married one of that kind of ladies she was looking for and she was such a nasty lady and later after they got divorced!!
in these arab countries the darker skinned girls doesnt get married easily.. they aint very dark but just have a darker tone ..subhanallah how the muslims values have changed!!
jazakillahu khayran for your post
Muwahidah
March 3, 2009 at 2:13 am
What you write is so true Muwahidah, and so scary, that people will look at the exterior more than the interior. Thank you for your lovely comment!
Unique Muslimah
March 3, 2009 at 10:39 pm