Feeling like Death Itself
It’s a stage in life that I hate. That I detest. That I cannot bear. I cannot bear seeing others go through it. I cannot bear the traumatic experience of going through it myself.
It is an unexplainable feeling. One of those stages in life where an internal pain chokes your words from coming out. The pain that tugs at your heart. The pain that drowns your guts in emotional sickness. Is it possible to die from such emotional pain? I have always hated these phases in life that creeps up on you while you are not looking. One moment you are happy. You’re actually sitting in a coffee shop, enjoying a good book, smiling and laughing at the funny bits, having people look at you because you’re so cheerful. And then, out of the blue, you’re done for. You’ve hit the corner and you can’t seem to find your way out.
You are the one who is always cheering other people up. You are the emotional support system for many. You have never let yourself complain deeply about emotional worries. You have never expressed such negativity and pessimism. And that’s what hurts the most. That you are sounding so bad, so down, you know no one and nothing can help you. What’s worse is that you know no one understands what you are going through, even if they do try to give you advice, from getting a life to seeing a doctor. That’s not what you want to hear. You want out of this situation. You want out. No one can help you but yourself.
And that is what keeps you silent. The fact that you are positive no one will remotely understand what it is you are feeling. They may try to comprehend. They may say they understand. Your friends will try to listen. Try to be there for you. But at the end of the day they will go back to leading their own lives, while you remain in that dark corner. No one can reach you in that dark pit. You may hear their calls, the echoes. But not one person can reach down to you and help you. You are alone and it is that fact that deepens your loneliness in your current situation.
But it is just a phase. A passing moment in the scheme of things. You will feel better. Life will go on. This deathly feeling will not last. Your tears will not continue to fall continuously. You will not continue to have sleepless, restless nights. You won’t feel this way forever. Winter blues, perhaps. An emotional response to a trigger that was caused but subconscious so that you are not aware. Or perhaps all the stressful events that have happened have finally caught up on the emotional system. Who knows. Only God.
Whatever it is, you don’t want to be deciphered, dissected, analysed. You don’t want to be told that you need help, that everything will be alright. You want prayers, perhaps. Prayers to be healed from this major wound. Because you know nothing else will do. Words, gestures of help, advice, will not get you from feeling like death itself.
Unique, I DO know how you feel… More than that, I can feel how you feel– because I have been there myself.
Repeat with me: “This too shall pass.”
Sakiina
November 3, 2008 at 1:03 pm
My God,
inspire us with Thy remembrance
alone and in assemblies,
by night and day,
publicly and secretly,
in prosperity and adversity!
Make us intimate with silent remembrance,
employ us in purified works and effort pleasing to Thee,
and reward us with the full balance!
Shahrzad
November 3, 2008 at 1:14 pm
It’s hard to not hate these moments. It’s almost impossible to feel the peace of calm waters when you’re in the middle of a storm. But hate and love are not opposites: they’re different sides of the same coin. To hate something is still giving that thing a fair bit of attention, and it’s more destructive to you than it is to the object of hatred.
I know it’s way easier said than done, but i think learning to not hate these moments helps allow them to leave sooner. We don’t have to love them, mind you. The opposite of both hate and love is indifference, because indifference means we’re not giving any emotional energy to this thing.
Lindsay
November 3, 2008 at 4:00 pm
Ameen!! In the past I’ve tried to talk about it, to explain why miss silver lining just isn’t happening any more. And what’s worse than incomprehension from those that love you, is the cold shoulder from those you realize were using you as, like you said, nothing more than some sort of support system
It’s a struggle, but inshAllah we’ll all get through it, unscathed.
May Allah put your heart at ease, Unique
souvenirsandscars
November 3, 2008 at 5:55 pm
“It is such a secret place, the land of tears.”
~ from Antoine de Saint-Exupery’s “The Little Prince”
When my friend’s father died a few years ago, I left work the minute she called me and went to her apartment just to be with her, just to let her know that she wasn’t alone in her moment of grief. (I was the first one she called as soon as she heard the news.) On the way, I remember struggling to figure out what to say. “I’m sorry for your loss?” “It was his time?” I realized that words were futile, so I relied on our friendship, on her knowing that I loved her, and that I was there for her. As soon as she opened the door, we both knew that that was all she needed.
Hannah
November 3, 2008 at 6:00 pm
Sakiina, thank you. “This too shall pass”. ..
Shahi, thank you.
Lindsay, your words is like a light in the darkness. Thank you. Indifference is the key, you are right.
Sou, thank you dear…
Hannah, I love the little prince, and this quote especially, thank you. You’re right…just being there…it’s enough. You’re friend is lucky to have you.
Unique Muslimah
November 3, 2008 at 11:30 pm
inshallah sis. I hope you find comfort in the remembrance of Allah. When I feel alone and down , I try to remember the All Aware, the All hearing, my Protector, Al Wadud.
I’ll pray for you ,sister.
rummage
November 4, 2008 at 12:19 am
Salam’Alaikum Unique…
Its been so long since i last pay a visit to this haven
missed it soooooooooooo much!
Anyways…whatever you have typed out is exactly what im going through too
trying to fight this battle myself and hamdulillah eventhough through the minute i feel helpless somehow at one second there is this thought- “Allah is always there for you souhayla,HE is waiting for you”. And that made me feel a little bit better and got me on my feet again. Although this transition will pass…i just hate the fact that it’ll come by visit.Then again…i tell myself : “Sou…this is life”. Eventually i pacify myself with zikir and lull myself to sleep.
Take care,miss you
Fi Amaanillah
Souhayla
November 4, 2008 at 6:58 pm
Remember Allah burdens not a soul more than it can bear. So you can get through this, just keep telling yourself you can. Trust me, it works.
falakk
November 4, 2008 at 7:26 pm
Sounds like you are suffering with a form of mania or depression. Its ok – many people experience it, only they feel that they cannot do anything about it. The fact of the matter is that if you see a counsellor – you will unlock the trigger mechanisms that cause you to feel this way.
Another thing – many females associate self worth with how much they mean to people: so it makes sense that you are the shoulder to cry on for a lot of your friends, as this kind of relationship is good for self esteem for you – but it is only a self-esteem filler…not a rememdy,
I would recommend you speak to a counsellor – as what you describe here is depression. And after all, we are also duty bound to seek the true self, and understand our complexities.
Depression is dangerous because when you are down, you cant access happy memories and you fall into a spiral – yes, it does away: however seeing a consellor will enable you to feel empowered in those dark moments, and help you control the level of impact those moments have on you.
Anon
November 5, 2008 at 3:53 pm
Ugh I can relate to this right now so much!
goodbadandugly2
November 10, 2008 at 3:45 pm
U ARE AMAZING MASHA ALLAH U HAVE THE WORDS TO EXPLAIN WHAT IS FOR ME SO UNEXPLAINABLE I LKE TO READ U
flifla
December 25, 2008 at 11:29 pm