Happy Yet Broken-Hearted
When I learned that my best friend was getting married I was ecstatic. I don’t think I’ll be that happy for myself when I get married and that is no exaggeration. I was so excited for her, praying that she would go through this transition smoothly and patiently. I was so happy that she had finally found her prince and would be united with him soon.
I remember my best friend and I spent many precious moments together. But for some reason, I knew that it would all change when she married and moved away to her husband’s city. Marriage changes people. Married people are busy people. I had a sad thought that I’d only be an afterthought after she grew accustomed to married life.
It was only today at the wedding when I realised how much this girl has grown into a woman. I remember the first day I had met her. She had instantly confided in me, telling me she wished to find the right man and settle down. That was three years ago. Back then, when I saw the want and need in her eyes for that special man I started praying for her. She deserved it, she is a wonderful person. Three years down the line, my prayers were answered.
Today she walked in her wedding dress with a huge smile on her face. She was glowing, sparkling, yet nervous and sad that she was leaving us all, especially her family. I felt so proud to be her photographer, so proud to be taking snapshots of her important day. When she cried along with her family I stayed strong, trying to support them, making them smile or laugh.
It was only in the end when it was time for her to leave to her husband’s house that it dawned in on me. That things wouldn’t be the same again. She’ll have a new life now. I feel I am part of her old one and with this realisation I feel I will miss her terribly.
I don’t think anyone can replace her as a friend. But I feel that I have been replaced with her new life. Don’t get me wrong, it has nothing to do with envy or jealousy, I don’t think that could be possible since this girl is like my own flesh and blood. But I think it’s to do with the fact that I really love her so much as my baby girl, it breaks my heart to see her leave.
And I felt the same sensation when I saw her surrounded with friends from her old life, I felt that I didn’t know where I fit in with her network of friends, was I as important to her as she was to me, or did I come second-best. How odd, shouldn’t friendship just be plain and simple, not entwined with feelings of acceptance and selfishness. I knew she told me I was her “chief’s bridesmaid”, her “sister”, but seeing her with her friends, seeing her leave with her husband, I felt like in the scheme of things, I was nothing anymore.
It was only when she gave me a present- a beautiful photography book- during the wedding when I started to cry, because I realised that I was losing a precious sister in my life. We would be in touch, I knew that, but it wouldn’t be the same. We wouldn’t be the carefree single girls we once were. She would have commitments, a husband and a house to look after.
Though I could squeeze my heart dry and hope that each drop of blood symbolised my prayers for her to have a fantastic, happy life, I feel like she has left me. It broke my heart when she went into the car and it drove off to her new life. Along with her mother I cried among the crowd of people waving her goodbye. We all cried. Hours later and I still have wet cheeks. The long drive home was a silent, sad one. I felt as though someone had punched me in the stomach. I felt as though I had lost a limb. I felt as though my own daughter had left me.
I came home and cried some more. I knew I wouldn’t be able to text or call her like before. I wouldn’t be able to meet her like before either. I still feel a empty feeling in my gut and throat, my surroundings seem colder, greyer because now she’s gone. Will people feel the same way when I get married? I don’t think I want to get married if it is filled with such heavy emotions, it is too overwhelming to go through again.
I didn’t even get to say goodbye. While she hugged everyone goodbye, I took photographs and there was no room for me to go inside the crowd and give her a farewell hug. But it’s okay right? Sisters like us have a spiritual bond together; she knows that I would give her a million hugs to reassure her that she would be okay, to give her strength and patience through this transitional period of her life.
My dear best friend. I don’t think she knows she is my best friend. She probably doesn’t know how happy I am for her, yet how sad I am to see her leave. May God protect her and bless her in her new life. And may God shower her with the best things in this life and the next. Because she deserves it.
I still feel quite emotional as a few tears escape. Quite empty. Quite lost. My heart aches. God knows how her mother feels. My heart aches for her. Their house must look and feel so empty with her gone now. Who knew that a person could have such an effect on my life? I didn’t. I knew I had a special friendship with my dear best friend, but I didn’t realise I would miss her so much, until she had finally gone.
I am sad for you, Unique. I, too, have lost friendships because one of us moved into the next stage of life. Of course, you two have a bond that will not be broken, but you are right, the friendship will never be the same, and you have the right to grieve.
You can give thanks that you’ve lost her through a normal, natural life transition. You can also look forward to the time when you, too, make the same transition. One never knows; the two of you may find yourselves able to resume where you left off, sometime in a future that only Allah knows.
Marahm
July 6, 2008 at 11:27 pm
Dear Unique, it’s natural to feel that way for your friend, your relationship will definitely be different but who says that can’t be for the better? This is such a sweet post, I hope she’s able to read it so see how much feeling and love you have for her. Congratulations to your friend for her marriage and congratulations to you for being such a good friend to her. I’m sure the wedding photos you took will look amazing and she’ll be able to treasure them forever.
'liya
July 7, 2008 at 2:31 pm
I wish your friend a married life full of love and prosperity. And i wish you find your soulmate someday soon..
My story is otherwise. I am the one who geting separated from all. Like your friend..
Shahrzad
July 7, 2008 at 3:58 pm
“May God protect her and bless her in her new life. And may God shower her with the best things in this life and the next.”
Ameen.
Tuba
July 7, 2008 at 5:49 pm
Salaams Sis! This is just the way I felt when my older sister (my best friend!) got married and moved away with her husband. She’s since moved closer to where my hubby and I are, and we talk every day on the phone, but my heart still yearns for her to be next door–as close as we were in childhood even though our friendship didn’t develop until we were both adults and on our own.
May Allah ease your pain, and may you learn the beauty of your friend’s new life. I’m sure that you will find a balance. Even with my sister halfway across the country, we still managed to grow closer (by instant messaging, so don’t give up on texting!). Once she strikes a balance in her new life, you’ll find a new balance with her as well insha’Allah!
Beautiful post masha’Allah.
Shawna
July 7, 2008 at 6:09 pm
when women marry, they grow apart… sad but true…
Haleem
July 7, 2008 at 6:15 pm
Dear Happy Yet Broken-hearted,
I would like to comfort you, yet I know that there are many differences between the two of us. Alls I can say is this. Don’t “second guess” yourself or your friend. None of us knows what the future holds. Your friendship could become stronger still if you don’t walk away from it now. Be available to your friend. Continue to be there for her. Perhaps God will give you both an opportunity to grow closer. Wishing you love.
Smiles,
Sharon
familygathers
July 7, 2008 at 6:31 pm
Dear Maraham I’m so happy I decided to post this because I had no idea this was such a common and natural feeling. Thank you so much for your reassuring words, they are really like a bright light for me right now that has soothed my heart. A friend told me today what I’m feeling is bittersweetness, and I couldn’t have chosen a perfect word myself. I’m so happy for my dear friend but I’ll miss her so. May God be with her ensha’Allah.
Dear ‘liya, thank you so much for your reassuring words sis…I’m sure so many of your friends felt the same way when you married and I’m sure you felt sad that you were leaving your old life…but I guess a girl has gotta do what a girl has gotta do! Thank you so much dear!
Dear Shahi, thank you so much dear! I hope God gives you the strength in this transitional period in your life enshalalah…
Tuba, ameen, thank you.
Dear Shawna, your words are like a huge hug of comfort to me right now, thank you so much for your precious advice. Ensha’allah we’ll find a balance, I’m so happy for you and your sister, may your bond never break, may it always grow stronger…xxxxx
Thank you for your input haleem…it is sad indeed…
Thank you so much Sharon…Your offer me precious advice that I will take on…I’ll always be there for her…Thank you so much again!
You are all so wonderful.
Unique Muslimah
July 8, 2008 at 1:14 am
I completely know the feeling of everything you’ve written. The growing apart, not knowing if a person considers you to be as close as you consider them to be, and letting your friend go to her new life. It’s hard.
ambition
July 8, 2008 at 6:21 am
Salam Unique!! My bestfriend is getting ready to tie the knot in a few weeks, too, and somethings been bugging me…I just couldn’t put my finger on it. Now, thanks to your blog I know what it is
It is a whole new stage isn’t it? And you worry about being left behind in the former stage while her life progresses onto new things that you won’t, or can’t, be there to share with her!!
I sincerely hope it works out. That you can achieve a balance, or in-between, of the two stages you’re in.
Good luck!!
Walaa
wk2
July 8, 2008 at 8:45 am
Dear Ambition,
I’m so happy that you can relate to my experience, it makes me feel more “normal” and gives me a perspective on my feelings. It is hard but every day that passess the feeling of sadness is slowly lifted as I realise that whatever happens in the future is just naseeb and I have to accept it.
Thank you for your comment.
Dear walaa, I’m so glad I was able to help you pinpoint what you were feeling…It was hard to write this post, as it was an overwhelming feeling and I was afraid of what people may say, but I’m actually happy now because it is helping others realise it’s normal to feel this way alhamdulilah!! Good luck to you too dear!! You and your best friend will be fine!
Unique Muslimah
July 8, 2008 at 8:21 pm
I feel for you and your grief.
You know I was the first to marry among my friends and leave them all behind yet I kept contact here and there and trust me I find those few moments when I get an e-mail or call from them to be a blessing because I miss them so much and when you’re dealing with kids and husband and house you just need a break and that’s where your friends come in. In marriage you need your friend’s support as much as you need your husband’s. SO continue to be there for her and you’ll see she’ll be changing but she’ll still be your friend. ALways.
AmericanMuslimaWriter
July 9, 2008 at 8:22 am
I know how you feel. I felt it just over a year ago when my best friend tied the knot on 070707. But one year down the line, she still keeps in touch with me and still makes the attempt to keep our friendship fresh and timeless. For a while I was the one who keeps my distance because I don’t want to be a burden to her amongst keeping up with her new commitment. But she made me realize that she still needs me as part of her life.
We might not be able to spend as much time as before, but we make more efforts now. In a way, it shows me that true friendship stands the tests – even this kind of test.
So keep up your efforts. Keep in touch and share your stories and life, still! It shall help, InsyaAllah
Take care, Unique!
dasar hati
July 9, 2008 at 4:33 pm
Marriages don’t change people. Marriages change people’s lives. Lives and experiences change people. Your friend will now live a different kind of life. But she has not suddenly become a different person – it’s only been 3 days.
Being afraid of separation is very natural. You may have felt the same way even if she moved without getting married. But that feeling is more intense now that this time, there is a third person, to whom she is more responsible for. And you are afraid that she will not remain the same friend/sister/daughter that she had been all these years.
Her closest family, is feeling the same as you are. Although their feelings may not have been as intense as yours on the wedding day, but they certainly were more intense than yours in the days approaching the wedding. And by expressing such feelings, you have shown yourself as a true friend.
Boys go through a similar experience, although we question differently. Three guys from my inner-circle are getting married this summer. The seven of us have been intimate for several years and we still are – due to a past experience and a secret bond.
We have done many activities like taking long road-trips and going on holidays together over the years. These days it’s difficult to bring all seven together at the same time. But these days even when casually hanging-out atleast three will show up.
We’ve had our share of talking about girls, marriage and how things may change after we all got married.
One of our biggest questions is always “If we’ll see each other again like we do now ?” and others like “Hope our wives get along with one another else we’re tost” and comments like “Just make sure you are not balled and chained to her”.
Because we are culturally different and the only language common among us is English, there has always been the concern of “The third being left out if two women decide to converse only in their native language” – this has happened before in large family gatherings it believe me it gets uglier !
And we are thankful that we bring such issues to light because if we simply are “happy” for our BFFs, then there is something wrong in our friendship.
Jaffer
July 9, 2008 at 7:41 pm
Salaams sister,
I’ve just found your blog. my attention was directed to this post somehow and not with out reason as I see. i went through same thing and can perfectly understand what u feel. only thing i can tell u is that Allah knows best and happiness comes to everyone. it came to me, though i had to wait it such a long, long, long time.
keep faith
warm regards from Poland
Amina
Amina
July 14, 2008 at 8:27 am