Unique Muslimah

I am exhausted. Beyond exhausted. It’s an effort to type. I have not managed to sit down and relax for quite some time. Duties at work keep piling up, I have an exam this Wednesday and I am terrified to fail. Plus I’m quite the social butterfly, flattering here and there to friends and colleagues outside work hours as part of social calls that must be made. Running here, running there, mental and physical exhaustion I tell you.

Did I mention I was exhausted? I’d like to sleep for 15 hours. I might do that tonight if nothing prevents me from my plans, which it usually does. Even 8 hours sleep is not enough for me anymore. Where did the weekend go? My mind is still on Friday. I’d like to crawl up in my bed and just hide away from the world, just for a week. Just to collect my thoughts, my emotions, my entire being. I just want to sleep.

It’s so hard to concentrate. Thinking, making plans, talking to someone, requires so much energy. I’m all burnt out. I want to escape. I want to close my eyes and feel that I am charged up for the day.

Maybe it’s my soul. It’s not getting enough power from its Source. Have I been depriving it? I’m so exhausted, that during the day, I’m just thinking about going to sleep. But even when I do eventually sleep, it’s not enough, I need more hours to sleep, I need just an extra few hours to be fully recharged.

I want to sleep. But something is stopping me. That knowledge that no matter how many hours I do sleep, it won’t be enough for me, I’ll need more…

I know some artists, if not most, are quite particular when it comes to sharing their work with the outside world. It’s a private part of the artist’s world and showing it to the public is like sharing a vulnerable part of themselves “out there”.

I gotta admit, I feel the same. If it isn’t a poem or a written piece of work that people would like to publish, then it’s my photography. In recent months I’ve had offers to publish my photography in publications, including magazines and news sites, but I always seem to hesitate. I’m not even sure anyone will understand my dilemma, unless they’ve been through the same situation.

Don’t get me wrong, I want to be able to publish my photographs. I want to be able to accept offers to sell my photographs. But a part of me feels uneasy about having my work out there. It feels like one of those “naked” dreams where you’re so insecure and scared because you realise you have nothing on. The thought of a photo hanging on someone’s wall feels scary. But I’m not sure why. I guess it’s open to analysis.

Perhaps artists feel that way because when they produce something, they do so with their heart and soul, and it’s hard to separate yourself from something you feel you’ve personally produced. Or perhaps artists are just afraid of the criticism they might receive from something they really put their effort into. I don’t believe it is ego-related, because I am quite hard on myself when it comes to my work and I always push myself to improve, thinking that I haven’t produced a good photograph yet.

But I do want to feel at ease about giving my photography away. God, I know I just sounded like I’m giving away my child, but that’s how it feels, like an ache in the heart. I’d like to make a business out of it in the near future and sell my photographs in the real world. But how do I do this when a feeling within me scares me away?

I think it is to do with being afraid. Maybe I’m afraid of sharing something deep and personal with people who will not really give a damn. And on a deeper level, maybe I’m too afraid to admit that my skill is good enough.

Maybe I’m too afraid to admit that I am a decent photographer. That people like my work. Maybe I’m afraid of succeeding. Maybe, just maybe, I feel that I don’t even deserve to have this beautiful photography passion in my life to lift my heart up and make me smile.

Maybe I’m afraid where that path will take me if I decide to go down that road. My photography is taking me places I never imagined possible. And although I love it so much, I’m wary of my potential and if I really have what it takes.

For now, I’m pushing this dilemma aside while I enjoy the ride, though I know sooner or later, I will have to make a decision, and I want it to be a decision I really won’t regret. Life is already too short as it is without me throwing a hasty decision in the mix.