Don’t “Assalamu Alaykum Sister” Me!
Do I really look like an ATM machine? I always wonder to myself when these certain, specific situations come out of the blue. When out and about, the strangest men will approach me and ask for money, “Assalamu Alaykum” they will start, trying to come close, which is the point where I turn right around and walk off. Most of them insist to add, “I’m Muslim like you” they’ll call behind me, as if that will make me feel safer with them, which is quite the contrary. “Please I lost my wallet I need change, 20 dollars” they’ll ask, still trying to grab my attention, where at that point I have made it quite clear I’m not going to respond, by giving him the cold shoulder, which always works.
Honestly it really peeves me off, these men who think they can give me a lecture on how to be a good Muslim by giving them change. If they were such good Muslims they wouldn’t be talking to a Muslim woman on her own in the first place, they wouldn’t bug or harass her, they’d leave her well alone and respect her distance.
On the other hand, Muslim women do the same to Muslim men, though many Muslims are suspicious that these Bosnian women who come fresh off the boat are actually Muslim. They wear a scarf, hold a designer handbag and stand outside mosques with a baby in their arms pestering men and women for change. From afar I once saw one of these women badger a respectful Muslim man so indecently in the end he had to give her some change so he could get her off him.
It is just bizarre that we cover up to be modest, to make others aware that we are not to be approached in that kind of way, only to have them bend the rules in the most ridiculous of ways, and most of the time it is because they just want to initiate a conversation.
This brings me to a recollection where many Muslim young men will have to say “Salam Alaykum” to me while I’m out and about. What do they expect me to do? Smile, shake their hand and say “Wa Alaykum Assalam Okhty!”
Erm, no. I always put on a stern face, never even look in their direction and carry on doing whatever it is I was doing. I do however whisper “Wa alaykum al salam” once the man is out of earshot, just between me and Allah that I did answer the peace back, but thankful to Allah that the dude “peaced off”.
I do wish they would all peace off and just let me be, because last time I checked, even though I was wearing green today like the dollar, I’m just not made out of money. Last time I checked, I didn’t have a sign on my head that said “ATM” or “Naive”.
What bothers me is the Islamic principles that these men are forgetting, thinking they could put some honey in the poison, thinking they could act all Islamic and that would make me warm up to them and invite them to a cup of coffee somewhere. Get real! I must add that my ATM-RADAR is really working very well, I’ll always sense when someone will approach me for monetary reasons. No wonder having a mihrim around with you is mandatory in some situations. But sometimes the mihrim doesn’t want to be chained up like a dog, walking around with you while you do whatever it is you’re doing, so what can some sisters do but venture out on their own to get the necessary things done.
I understand how irritating that would be, I am very glad that I never had to witness such a moment ever, alhamdulillah.
I would be scared at first I guess …
Maryam
May 11, 2008 at 12:11 am
Yes it’s normal to be scared because you’re not sure what’s going to happen, and it’s normal to feel awkward because of people just staring at the situation and not lending a helping hand, like they’re stuck in some sort of TV-warp state of mind. I’m sure if you ever did face the situation you’ll be able to handle it well sis
Unique Muslimah
May 11, 2008 at 12:59 am
I encountered a similar incidence in Brisbane years back when a muslim male greeted me salam and embraced me tightly. God has sent me to rescue him as he descibed. To cut the story short, he later asked me $200 to pay for his hotel room as he had just lost his wallet. I told him to come with me to report the lost at a nearby police station and also to his embassy. I knew he lied and of course he refused to do so. He walked away and smuttering some remarks which I hardly heard. Beware they are some professional liars/conmen in the street out there.
mosse zidane
May 11, 2008 at 1:52 am
Once we came out of Downtown Mosque after Friday prayers and were swindled for $80.
He was tough to get rid off so we had to chip in $20 each to get rid of him !
The man begged a Bus ticket to the airport because he wanted to pick up his family: One TTC Ticket
Then he said he needed a taxi so that he and his family and their luggage can travel better from airport: $40
Then he said that he didn’t have a big enough place for his family to stay: $40 for a motel room.
Jaffer
May 11, 2008 at 2:27 am
Sounds disappointing really, you dont or expect that kind of behaviour from anybody, but it would be particularly disappointing from brothers. Theres one couple here that do this on occasion, but it is rare enough for them to be quite well known, and i’m pretty sure they’re not even Muslim. Alhumdulilah its not a common problem.
MuslimMum
May 11, 2008 at 2:39 am
[...] Don’t “Assalaamu Alaykum sister” me! [...]
…::MvMuslims::… » Blog Archive » Links: 10-May-2008
May 11, 2008 at 3:01 am
BismillaharRahmanirRahim
asalaamu ‘alaykum! How are you Unique? You made an interesting statement in this post which actually touches on a much great item when you wrote,
It is bizarre indeed for those who are shariat minded. However, in our society (I live in NYC) we have a number of Muslims – numbers that keep growing – coming to the religion; believing in Allah and His Prophet (may Peace and Blessings be upon him); praying five times a day; living a lifestyle that comparatively would be pretty descent but not exactly understanding the finer points of Islamic manners; chivalry, adab wa futwwa.
This is not exactly the average Muslims fault. Though they are not free of responsibility. Muslims leaders are afraid to talk about living the shariat. They are afraid to mention sunnat and are afraid to be categorized as a turban wearing fanatic. Particularly those leaders that receive donations and other support from like minded people.
Muslim leadership worldwide is becoming like the Jews and Christians, it is becoming title centered; an official position and therefore an officiate. So when the imam or leader is off of the stage so to speak the sunnat goes on the rack, a big act.
We need more Muslim leaders of every kind, from the leader of every house, to the heads of state to begin loving the Holy Prophet (may Peace be upon him) again and holding onto his way despite what may seem easier. How else can we show Allah Almighty that we love His Most Beloved One unless we follow his way, act like him, look like him, talk like him, etc.
So that is my take on this subject. There are probably more social innuendos connected to your particular situation but I did recognize this as an overall problem and one that may be have an effect on you in the way stated above.
-Saifuddin
Saifuddin
May 11, 2008 at 1:43 pm
We have them in London too. They pretend to be Bosnians but they’re actually Eastern European Gypsies.
The men asks for money but they always reek of alcohol.
I went to another town just outside London for a business meeting and was visiting the local mosque when some African guy comes up to me says salam and asked me for some money for food because he didnt have any money. I told him to take me to the mosque and then I’d take him to a restaurant afterwards and he could eat what he wanted. So there we are at the local masjid, we praying in congregation and I’m stood next to this brother. We go into sajood and all this money (coins and notes) falls out of his top pocket – probably more than £100. When the prayer finished he left. I saw him outside and joked that it should be him who should be taking me to a restaurant!
navcity
May 11, 2008 at 4:46 pm
Hmmm… I couldn’t help it, this just caught my eye: so… only Bosnian women do that? And why do you doubt they are Muslims?
Sabina
May 11, 2008 at 4:51 pm
It’s frustrating being judged on looks. But if it’s any condolence, you must dress well, lol. For example, my husband and I were able to lease a Saab so every time we go to visit his grandmother (5 hours away), we get hit up for cash at gas stations or in various parking lots. It’s not really an expensive car to lease, but for some reason, people see a young family in a decent car and think ATM.
Good luck shaking them off, sister!
Shawna
May 11, 2008 at 5:27 pm
Interesing. In Tehran, you face many of these cases. They even say that they are ill and can’t pay for themselves or want to but ticket for going to their own city and cant pay for it. Then prize of ticket for example is 4 $ and you see that guy/woman earn more than this and still continue asking others!!
Some of them also pretend to come and pray, but steal shoes in masjids. Shameful really..
Shahrzad
May 11, 2008 at 7:28 pm
buy* ticket
Shahrzad
May 11, 2008 at 7:29 pm
Umm okay, this has never really happened to me, but then again I am 15 and don’t really go out much. And I’m “Nisar’s Daughter”. Nobody messes with Nisar’s girl’s LOL, our Dad would beat him up. Honestly though, these people shouldn’t beg/harrass other people for money. Isn’t Allah the Provider? Insha’Allah it doesn’t happen again to you Unique.
Tuba
May 11, 2008 at 9:07 pm
It is narrated from Prophet Mohammad (peace be upon him) that a person who begs without the need will be resurrected on the of judgment without proper Flesh on his/her body.
Personal opinion:
If we are going to give someone charity we should do it for only the sake up Allah Tallah and with love and care for the other person, not just to drive the bagger away. If we are not going to give anything we should do it with the niyyat that inshallah our zakkat money can be used for someone who is really in need.
Wallah hu ta’allah Alem
(Allah Ta’allah knows the best)
awaqas1
May 12, 2008 at 4:15 am
hahahah I KNOW exactly what you are talking about ! , in the UK we call these lot ,’fresh of the boat ‘ type of muslim men .
I have had these type of things happen to me , like you now just ignore . Are you sure those woman arnt gypsy romanians ? cos that is what we have here in the uk , these type of gypsy romanians who make themselves muslims when their not and they dress in like these huge clothes , with a baby in their hands . They steal and do all sorts of terrible things , this is what happens when your ignorant.
amal
May 12, 2008 at 8:41 am
A lot of people play on similarities to appeal to your sense of unity and solidarity. Just because they’re like you doesn’t make them different from any other person.
helloworldbea
May 12, 2008 at 10:31 am
Assalaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.
Hi there. I’m glad to found this blog.
Errr.. Just keep istiqomah by holding your principle, okhti. The principle of Islam.
Wassalam and salam ukhuwah from Indonesia.
Gilang Ramadhan
May 12, 2008 at 11:19 am
Assalaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.
Hi there. I’m glad to found this blog. Its certainly attacting my attention.
Errr.. Just keep istiqomah by holding your principle, okhti. The principle of Islam.
Wassalam and salam ukhuwah from Indonesia.
.
Gilang Ramadhan
May 12, 2008 at 11:22 am
Mosse Zidane I can’t believe he embraced you! When I refuse to give them anything they curse at me lol!
Jaffer you shouldn’t have to be forced to give money no matter how much a person is bugging you, that’s like mugging in broad daylight! Just threaten to call the police or even make a report if he gets nasty! These people really have no nerve!
MuslimMum, exactly! What really gets to me is when they curse, swear and even say “one day you might be in my situation and have to beg”! Talk about being nice.
Saiffuiddin, jazak Alah kheir alhamduilah everything is okay! You’re right. Thank you for your valuable comment!
Navcity, oh God! My God I’m shocked! Why ask for money when you already have, it’s bizzare! Thank you for your valuable comment!
Sabina, if you read back I didn’t say I believed it, in general conversation people say they don’t believe they are Muslims, just pretending because they know Muslims are generous and give charity, etc. Of course you shouldn’t take it as a generalisation, I’ve only seen these women do it but maybe someone has seen women from other nationalities do it. You don’t have to dig deep for hidden meanings in my words
Shawna, hahahaa! That happens a lot to me in Egypt, I never roll down the windows, the AC is always on!
Thank you for your comment!
Shahrazad, I really hate the fact that they think they can fool us. That the money could go to a needy person but they are selfish and want it for themselves. May God guide them and cure them from this illness!
Tuba, alhamduilah it hasn’t happened to you, it’s quite annoying really! The day it happened to me on the weekend the guy cursed me when I ignored him, pointing to me and the sky saying something like “allah will get u for not giving me money” LOL!
Awaqas, thank you for the hadith, that just really says it all doesn’t it. I agree with you!
Amal, I’m not sure, I’ve just heard from people that they’ve met bosinans, maybe there are romanians too! I really hate it when they curse you in their language if you ignore them. (you can tell when they are cursing, believe me).
Helloworldbea, that’s so true! I’ll write a post soon about this idea, thank you!
Ramadhan, thank you for coming to my blog and welcome! Ensha’Allaah, you too, keep the faith and great to receive your comment.
Unique Muslimah
May 12, 2008 at 2:13 pm
i have the same problem but it’s not bound by religion. lucky me
aniche
May 12, 2008 at 5:52 pm
salaam alaikum,
I get that too..
The only get the opposite from sisters, it’s like sisters don’t want to make eye contact, and when I say salaam, it’s like I am talking to the air, sometimes, i have to look around to see if there is another person other than the one am greeting there….but lo and behold, it’s only ly one person, and guess what, she is ignoring me….Does this happen to anyone, it happens to me in the UK
MB
May 12, 2008 at 7:53 pm
you r good..
Arsh
May 12, 2008 at 8:30 pm
a real bosnian never asks or beg for money, man or woman
Leila
May 12, 2008 at 10:26 pm
Wow sister, and now that you think about it you are rite. We should respect each other but when you stop and think when has anyone completly been thinking rite walking A crookid road. peace with you.
vullietorrence
May 13, 2008 at 3:40 am
Wow.. I agree with you that these Muslim men shouldn’t be harassing you like this. It makes me upset because mindfulness seems to be the least practiced thing in our Ummah today. I may not understand the situation because this hasn’t happened to me, but I understand the feelings. Sometimes, I’ll get remarks or comments (in person and on the internet, respectively) from random females; remarks that I don’t appreciate. It makes me wonder: “what did I do that allowed them to be so free with me?” It’s so random.
My Christian friend is getting married and I’m one of his groomsman, but it’s so confusing to his bride when I tell her I can’t hold hands with the girl they paired me up with (lol, I think I’ll blog about it). I don’t mind educating and enlightening people about Islamic values, but when other Muslims behave so freely around us, then I really think they should know better. These people know the values and they should be more mindful before they approach you in that manner. May Allah guide them, insha’Allah.
brokenmystic
May 13, 2008 at 7:58 am
mmm……,
sanjisan
May 13, 2008 at 11:52 am
what a friendly ‘religion’ – rather than worry about poor Muslim beggars, maybe should worry about honor killings, wife beatings, and polygamy for starters
creeping
May 13, 2008 at 1:46 pm
I met these so-called ‘Bosnians’ on a few occasions, mostly in Paris. And I say so-called Bosnians for a reason. I myself am Croatian, and we pretty much share the language with Bosnia and Herzegovina. The grammar is basically identical, there is a lot of shared vocabulary; in short, the differences are something like between British and American English. Anyhow, when I address these people in what is supposedly their mother tongue, I get blank stares – proof enough they are not Bosnian at all. So they don’t even understand Serbo-Croatian, the language of the region, which is supicious. I believe they may indeed be Gypsies, as Sabina says.
It really annoys me, I must say. People in Bosnia have gone through a lot, and are trying to continue with their lives as best as they can. Maybe some of them do beg, but in all my travels I have never met anyone doing this, or heard of any Bosnians doing this. We do, however, get a lot of Gypsies in Croatia, begging, selling holy images, perfume and other bric-a-brac.
Maninas
May 13, 2008 at 2:41 pm
Quite an interesting experience to share with your readers. I have an acquaintance who visited Egipt and had similar experiences. In which Middle East country have you been to?
zemaneu
May 13, 2008 at 4:27 pm
The whole salaam thing differs from place to place since some people take offense if you don’t say salaam. But I’m guessing by that you don’t want to hear from a guy…because I’m a guy?
And for them asking you for money–there are ahadith stating that the Prophet SAAWS NEVER refused anyone money when they asked him. You are essentially looking at their motives and saying, “No you’re a crook and evil!” How Islamic is that??? What do you think the Prophet SAAWS would say to that??
Think through it all again.
I wrote these a while back on the same topic:
http://muslimology.wordpress.com/2007/08/16/beggars-and-choosers/
http://muslimology.wordpress.com/2007/08/21/beggars-and-choosers-part-2/
I don’t have it in me to refuse beggars. Who knows one day, I will lose it all and end up just like them? Allahu Alaam.
Dawud Israel
May 13, 2008 at 5:19 pm
Aniche, I’m sorry to hear that!
MB, I guess you’re talking about a different issue…I was talking about men who approach me quite indecently and try to get money out of me. I’ve seen it before, a girl will take out her purse to give the person some money and they’ll snatch it and run away with it. Another times if they are not thiefs, these men just want to say salam alaykum so they can chat you up. I’m positive the sahaba never used to say salam alaykum to a lady walking on her own, it’s just not good to associate yourself to an evil act, even if you meant well.
Arsh, not sure what you mean, by thank you.
Leila, I’m positive that is the case. I think as Amal stated these are Gypsy Romanians, Allahu Alam.
Vullie, peace be with you too.
Mystic, unfortunately some people don’t get that these men are HARRASSING me, which is completely wrong. When a man is begging for money in a decent mannar, NOT HARRASSING, then of course I’ll give him what I have, done that plenty of times. But to those who harrass you, they are not begging at all, it’s up a diferent level of disrespect!
Creeping, I don’t think it’s fair that you generalise like that. Myself and many other Muslim bloggers have spoken about these topics on many occassions, but we do talk about other things too which are important. Please don’t stereotype when you’re on my blog.
Manianas, that’s a very interesting point and it’s good to know that they are Gypsies not bosnian, thank you for enlightening me. Wallahi I’m not attacking begging, I’m against harrassment where the person will force you to give them money, it’s just not on, and that’s not begging, that harrassment! Thanks for your comment!
Zemaneu, thank you. I’ve experienced this in Egypt too.
Dawud, I’m sad that you are quite unsympathetic to what I go through with these men. If you read carefully you’ll notice that I’m against people who harrass me into giving them money. Begging is something else and if someone is begging I will try to help them if I can. But someone who is harrassing you, cursing you, etc and won’t stop until you give them money, that’s completely wrong and if you don’t agree with that then I guess we’re on a totally different planet! And the guys I mentioned who say salam to me just want to chat me up, and don’t tell me how I know, because then you’d be very unsympatheic and naive indeed. Please read carefully before judging so harshly jazak Alah kheir!
Unique Muslimah
May 13, 2008 at 8:31 pm
Salaam alaikum Unique,
I know that that was’t want you were referring to. It just brought to mind that as a sister, when i say salaam to other sisters, it is like they purposely dont make eye contact.
I understand how irritating it could be from men…i guess we should have it written on our foreheads, ‘PLEASE MEN DO NOT SAY SALAAMS TO ME’…LOL
MB
May 13, 2008 at 11:13 pm
MB
Great idea, we can get a bumper-forehead sticker tailor made 
Unique Muslimah
May 13, 2008 at 11:26 pm
just remember that the money you own is not yours and it is given to you by God… you were made smart from god and that’s why people think you are an ATM… if you can’t help them, don’t hate em…
IC
May 14, 2008 at 5:06 pm
Assalamu Alaykum, when I am accosted like that I remind my Muslim sisters and brothers of the hadith concerning beggars who will be dragged on their faces……Subhan Allah!
Then I give charity according to what I can afford and I do it for the sake of Allah.
UmmIbraahim
May 16, 2008 at 4:56 pm
hehe ,
anology of mehram to dogs is too much
wishing known people (non mehram too) in common places was permitted as per, for unknown people it was discouraged according to the opinions of imams.
Asma’ the daughter of Yazeed said
“The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) passed by us woman and greeted us with salaam.”(abu dawood 5204)
but that was just a wishing and the intention was not to initiate talks
Beggars , Wallahu Aalam, in my view we should use our common sense and judge r they really in need, if yes there is nothing wrong in helping them.
Deeds are judged by intentions
Ahmed
June 6, 2008 at 12:16 pm
It’s hurtful to see people refer to false beggars as “Gypsy Romanians” like only Romania could produce people that beg without need. There are Muslims in Romania that are very good and pious, and there are also non Muslims, Gypsies and others. There is a lot of hatred going on in Europe for people from Romania and most of it is undeserved. There are a few bad apples and I am not denying that, but making the assumption that all false beggars are Romanian is presumptuous as well.
Adela
June 7, 2008 at 5:54 pm
I kind of disagree with your responce to someone saying Salam.
I mean, if someone is saying, Peace be upon you, you should respond, and respond so that they here it.
I dont know where your from, but people around here in Chicago, are not like that. I would find it disrespectful if someone asked for money and walk away sure but not walk away from a person saying salam.
I have been raised in a household where my mother always tells me, “Say Salam, and say it loud so that they hear you. if they don’t respond they don’t get the reward, you’ve done your part.”
Anyways, check out my blog, I’ve been reading your blog for a while now, good stuff.
http://themuslimkid.blogspot.com/
-The Muslim Kid-
The Muslim kid
June 7, 2008 at 7:08 pm
Hope you don’t mind my adding a few cents to this…I’m not Muslim – in fact I’m of an Asian racial background and was just trying to look up the definition and pronunciation of the greeting. This website popped up on Google. However, I thought it was a bit humorous because everywhere I go, people attempt to speak Chinese or Japanese (I’m neither ethnicity). At least people are using it in somewhat the right context in your case! (: In the larger cities such as San Francisco it’s primarily people begging for money. I do the same thing as you – ignore them, or give them a puzzled look when they try to say “ni hao ma” (how are you, which sounds like “knee how ma”) – and reply, “what about my knee?”
I went to Egypt with some friends a few years ago; we were fortunate to be guided by a colleague who was a fabulous host. However, the moment he left us in the evening, we were immediately swarmed by men (we dressed very conservatively, by the way) and people driving by kept shouting at us. I would have been grateful to hear “assalamu alaykum” instead of the catcalls we got instead…
Gena W
June 12, 2008 at 7:35 pm