Unique’s 7 Phases to Recovering From a Broken Heart
I probably sound like one of those writers with novels claiming to have found a wondrous miracle that could be all yours for only $10.99. Just for the record, I’m not going to be one of those writers, tonight. Human relationships are complex as it is without throwing in a breakup. It can be a breakup with your friend, brother, daughter, husband, wife or business partner. Whichever one it is, breakups take time to heal. So for your eyes only, I will reveal the seven phases that a person may go through when a relationship ends. Get comfortable, and for those still hurting, have some tissues on standby.
From my own personal experiences, I believe that once you break up with your best friend or grandfather even, you are suddenly sucked into a circle, a whirlpool even, where you meet each of the seven phases until you can hopefully get out of the whirlpool with your wounds finally healed. Of course everyone has their own experience and this is mine to share. For the sake of simplicity, we’ll take the example of Sara, who is in a relationship that is nearing its end. Whilst in the whirlpool, a person may go back a phase, which is perfectly normal and means they still have some healing to do.
THE RECOVERY PROCESS
STAGE 1: DENIAL
Sara does not believe and will not believe that her friend is no good for her. As a human it is normal to fear loss, which is why sometimes many of us stick to the same person or same routine because it is safe and reliable, even if it is hurting you and causing you to stay stuck in a rut. No matter how many people advise Sara to let go of this friendship that is sucking the life out of her, she refuses to. She is in denial to assess the real situation of her friendship. But not for long.
STAGE 2: BLAME & LOSS
Time is a great friend to many of us. With time, people’s flaws start to show and the recipient does not stay so patient as before. A few months later Sara starts to decide for herself that her friend is actually no good for her and this is when the friendship officially breaks up. In the place of the friendship she had for so long, she now feels loss, which hurts like crazy. And so the blaming begins. Sara blames her friend for being a user. Sara blames herself for being so gullible. Sara blames the world if need be, while grieving over the loss of something that she thought would always be true and beautiful.
STAGE 3: ACCEPTANCE
Sara starts to accept what has happened and the blaming decreases. The feeling of loss is still there, but it does not hurt as much. She believes this happened for a reason and starts to assess the situation logically.
STAGE 4: RE-BOUND
Meet Sara’s new friend, the re-bound subject, Hannah. Though she has accepted what has happened to be fate, Sara wants to replace that feeling of loss immediately. This may cause her to make some rash decisions on choosing future friends and she will definitely wake up with a friendship-hang-over if she is not careful.
STAGE 5: GUILT & NO TRUST
Over with the re-bound phase, Sara starts to feel guilty. Guilty over having a re-bound phase, feeling guilty because she told her ex-friend so many things she shouldn’t have said, guilty because she thinks she could have handled the situation a lot better.
With the guilt comes the sense of not being able to trust anyone. Sara has been hurt and feels wary when approaching new relationships, scared that the same whirlpool will come suck her into a breakup. She is still hurting and needs time alone to heal her wounds so that she is fully prepared for a new relationship.
STAGE 6: HEALING
This may take a few weeks to a few months, lasting a year if the initial damage was quite bad. The healing stage gives Sara plenty of time to forgive those who let her down, to forgive herself. Without interruptions from new relationships, Sara needs to focus on her own personal development, both spiritually, mentally and physically. Sara needs to regain her confidence and love herself again. She needs to be able to trust herself and not fear her own decision making. She also needs to know that she is worth so much more than getting herself into lousy relationships. She values her self-worth and makes a pact to be true to herself always.
STAGE 7: MOVING ON
The final phase happens when Sara feels she is over the hurt of the past. She can look at it with her mind and not her heart and emotions. She is well and truly over it and understands it was a hard lesson she had to take which has passed. She is now ready to move on into the future whilst bearing in mind the lessons she learnt so as not to repeat any mistakes. Sara has recovered and knows if she ever saw her ex-friends she will treat them with indifference because they cannot hurt her anymore. The past is in the past now. And the future is bright.
Until the next whirlpool sweeps her away, but hopefully that won’t happen for a long time. What can I say? Relationship breakups are a given; welcome to the human condition.
NEXT: Read Unique’s latest EMY post: Being a Muslim on New Years’ Eve
I’ve gone through these 7 stages many times myself (plus or minus a step or two, with an error margin of a few)
. . . and each time was a trying, but a learning experience.
Thanks for feeling the need to make me feel like . . .
Great Post!
Metin
December 31, 2007 at 6:58 am
You’re welcome Metin, I’m sorry you had to go through the whirlpool, but c’est la vie!
Thank you!
Unique Muslimah
December 31, 2007 at 4:05 pm
The seven stages are pretty true, but i wish they were as simple as you mention them…………….Lol !!!!
Maryam
December 31, 2007 at 5:11 pm
Interesting… this goes under ‘Human Nature’ they should teach it in science =p. so that no one feels like they’re the only one having to go through a recovery process.
AsianPranksta
December 31, 2007 at 10:43 pm
I wish they were that simple too Maryam
haha
Safsaf, they should! GREAT IDEA!
Unique Muslimah
December 31, 2007 at 11:05 pm
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Bookmarks Tagged Unique
January 1, 2008 at 2:53 am
I went through those seven phases giving up chocolate. Then I relented and took it back
Happy New Year to you and your family. May Allah bless you all with health, happiness, and ever increasing love and wisdom. Ameen.
Ya Haqq!
darvish
January 1, 2008 at 6:17 am
I am all too familiar with these stages.
The good thing about such an analysis of human nature is that it helps you to feel less pathetic when you know that everyone else goes through this same painful cycle.
The bad thing (for melodramatic drama queens like myself) is that it makes us feel less special, like: “No! This can’t just part of the normal human experience! This was a unique relationship! One of a kind! etc etc”
Silly humans.
iMuslim
January 1, 2008 at 6:51 am
Darvish, lol! chocolate
That’s a great way to look at it 
Now that I think about it, I’ve had a lot of 7 phases with carbs 
Thanks for your comment!
iMuslim, haha, silly you for being a drama queen
Get over yourself girly 
lol!
Unique Muslimah
January 1, 2008 at 4:33 pm
Happy New Year!!!
To not having to go through any of these 7 stages in the coming year . . .
To all, health, happiness, and hope . . .
Metin
January 1, 2008 at 9:35 pm
Hope so Metin!
Unique Muslimah
January 1, 2008 at 11:18 pm
I’m still in a sort of denial. It’s been many years. I guess that’s pretty bad.
abarclay12
January 2, 2008 at 12:30 am
Great idea to post this Unique!!!! Thanks.
iMuslim said, “…it makes us feel less special, like: “No! This can’t just part of the normal human experience! This was a unique relationship! One of a kind!”
I guess for melodramatic drama queens it helps to see something significantly special to come out of the human experience, like lemon juice squeezed out of lemon to make lemonade.
In the Healing step Unique said, “She also needs to know that she is worth so much more than getting herself into lousy relationships. She values her self-worth and makes a pact to be true to herself always.”
I would say that I am currently in the moving on stage from my relationship break up, but out of my healing stage came the understanding that as Christian, God gives me some lousy experiences for my good, they are like lemons that can’t be appreciated for sweetness at first, but after a processing done by His Holy Spirit, they do become sweet like lemonade and I see their purpose. It is this unique purpose found in Christ, and His processing that keeps me from getting stuck in the cycle. Therefore, instead of just making a pact with myself(which has failed before), I have my self-worth restored by God who never fails. Hallelujah!
I’ve been blogging about this actually, check me out at ll2f.wordpress.com.
hermipowell
January 2, 2008 at 1:11 am
I’m really sorry to hear this abarclay12 sweetie. But just keep in mind that time is a great healer, I know it sounds like a bit of cliche, but it’s really true. You’ll find yourself out of this soon and look back at it as an experience that added more characteristics to you than ever.
Hermi, thank you! I’m glad your relationship with God is stronger through this experience and you know that God never fails
Good for you for getting out of the whirlpool 
Unique Muslimah
January 2, 2008 at 2:58 am
Reminds me of one of those Calvin and Hobbs cartoon, “In which state do we live?” Denial.
Amina Ae Sook
January 2, 2008 at 4:36 am
Amina thanks for your comment! Interesting
Unique Muslimah
January 2, 2008 at 12:08 pm
That’s pretty good…… A truely unique one……. Back in my old days, I would salut you just for these remedies…… Great work…
ryback7
January 2, 2008 at 12:38 pm
I been in that many time in my life and may be there still more to come.Even with time there is no heeling…..It just life it make to suffer that all no mater what you do….and die in agony
gost
January 2, 2008 at 3:27 pm
ryback7, I’m sorry I was too late writing this, but I hope that it helps you in the future
gost, hopefully you will be healed, think positively!
Unique Muslimah
January 2, 2008 at 7:45 pm
Thank you for such a well-written and beautiful entry. One of the great things about it is that it reminds us that we are never actually alone. Everyone has similar HUMAN experiences.
Irene
January 2, 2008 at 8:55 pm
Thank you Irene
It’s great to hear from you. You’re right, we’re all in the same kinda boat!
Unique Muslimah
January 3, 2008 at 3:49 am
Hermi’s link was not working before please try to visit again.
hermipowell
January 3, 2008 at 9:14 am
thanks hermi
Unique Muslimah
January 4, 2008 at 12:46 am
hi, visit my blog at iamlatte. oh yea, great tips!
iamlatte
January 4, 2008 at 5:43 am
thanks iamlatte!
Unique Muslimah
January 4, 2008 at 6:12 am
Salaam alaykum sis
Thanks for sharing this with us. I have just like many others have experienced these 7 stages. It’s good to talk about these things so that we can put things into perspective, this sort of post can really help!
Thanks again
Much Love xox
daughter of Islam
January 5, 2008 at 9:37 pm
Thank you daughter of Islam (lovely name!), I’m happy to have helped in some way…
Keep commenting 
Unique Muslimah
January 6, 2008 at 6:15 am
I don’t see myself ever recovering. She was my Soul Mate. She left me. I shared so much with her that I can never share with anyone else. I have let her go so that she can breathe, but in return, I have lost my ability to : (
Jehanzeb
January 16, 2008 at 7:40 pm
I’m so sorry to hear about your experience Jehanzeb. I pray that your heart is healed soon…you are in my prayers
Unique Muslimah
January 18, 2008 at 2:09 am
Nice post sister…
I think my heart is already used to be broken…
orlando7truth
January 21, 2008 at 12:23 am
geat post!
i’ve been feeling the same way..
it’s actually not my first time to ever felt this way, but why does it feel like it’s my first?
taurygirl
January 12, 2009 at 5:28 am
i been threw this b4 but this time i jux cant go through the recovery for some reason….
heartbreak doesnt kill you- it only makes you wish it did
josh
March 23, 2009 at 1:10 am