Unique Muslimah

I probably sound like one of those writers with novels claiming to have found a wondrous miracle that could be all yours for only $10.99. Just for the record, I’m not going to be one of those writers, tonight. Human relationships are complex as it is without throwing in a breakup. It can be a breakup with your friend, brother, daughter, husband, wife or business partner. Whichever one it is, breakups take time to heal. So for your eyes only, I will reveal the seven phases that a person may go through when a relationship ends. Get comfortable, and for those still hurting, have some tissues on standby.

From my own personal experiences, I believe that once you break up with your best friend or grandfather even, you are suddenly sucked into a circle, a whirlpool even, where you meet each of the seven phases until you can hopefully get out of the whirlpool with your wounds finally healed. Of course everyone has their own experience and this is mine to share. For the sake of simplicity, we’ll take the example of Sara, who is in a relationship that is nearing its end. Whilst in the whirlpool, a person may go back a phase, which is perfectly normal and means they still have some healing to do.

THE RECOVERY PROCESS

STAGE 1: DENIAL

Sara does not believe and will not believe that her friend is no good for her. As a human it is normal to fear loss, which is why sometimes many of us stick to the same person or same routine because it is safe and reliable, even if it is hurting you and causing you to stay stuck in a rut. No matter how many people advise Sara to let go of this friendship that is sucking the life out of her, she refuses to. She is in denial to assess the real situation of her friendship. But not for long.

STAGE 2: BLAME & LOSS

Time is a great friend to many of us. With time, people’s flaws start to show and the recipient does not stay so patient as before. A few months later Sara starts to decide for herself that her friend is actually no good for her and this is when the friendship officially breaks up. In the place of the friendship she had for so long, she now feels loss, which hurts like crazy. And so the blaming begins. Sara blames her friend for being a user. Sara blames herself for being so gullible. Sara blames the world if need be, while grieving over the loss of something that she thought would always be true and beautiful.

STAGE 3: ACCEPTANCE

Sara starts to accept what has happened and the blaming decreases. The feeling of loss is still there, but it does not hurt as much. She believes this happened for a reason and starts to assess the situation logically.

STAGE 4: RE-BOUND

Meet Sara’s new friend, the re-bound subject, Hannah. Though she has accepted what has happened to be fate, Sara wants to replace that feeling of loss immediately. This may cause her to make some rash decisions on choosing future friends and she will definitely wake up with a friendship-hang-over if she is not careful.

STAGE 5: GUILT & NO TRUST

Over with the re-bound phase, Sara starts to feel guilty. Guilty over having a re-bound phase, feeling guilty because she told her ex-friend so many things she shouldn’t have said, guilty because she thinks she could have handled the situation a lot better.

With the guilt comes the sense of not being able to trust anyone. Sara has been hurt and feels wary when approaching new relationships, scared that the same whirlpool will come suck her into a breakup. She is still hurting and needs time alone to heal her wounds so that she is fully prepared for a new relationship.

STAGE 6: HEALING

This may take a few weeks to a few months, lasting a year if the initial damage was quite bad. The healing stage gives Sara plenty of time to forgive those who let her down, to forgive herself. Without interruptions from new relationships, Sara needs to focus on her own personal development, both spiritually, mentally and physically. Sara needs to regain her confidence and love herself again. She needs to be able to trust herself and not fear her own decision making. She also needs to know that she is worth so much more than getting herself into lousy relationships. She values her self-worth and makes a pact to be true to herself always.

STAGE 7: MOVING ON

The final phase happens when Sara feels she is over the hurt of the past. She can look at it with her mind and not her heart and emotions. She is well and truly over it and understands it was a hard lesson she had to take which has passed. She is now ready to move on into the future whilst bearing in mind the lessons she learnt so as not to repeat any mistakes. Sara has recovered and knows if she ever saw her ex-friends she will treat them with indifference because they cannot hurt her anymore. The past is in the past now. And the future is bright.

Until the next whirlpool sweeps her away, but hopefully that won’t happen for a long time. What can I say? Relationship breakups are a given; welcome to the human condition.

NEXT: Read Unique’s latest EMY post: Being a Muslim on New Years’ Eve

I woke up from my sleepy slumber to write about something that has been on my mind. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t this particular subject that kept me awake, tossing and turning until I gave up, got up and turned on the computer. More likely it was the contents in the recently topped-up refrigerator that forced my eyes wide awake and with an impatient sigh I whisked myself out of my warm room and into the cold kitchen whilst I logged on. To the Internet, not the refrigerator. Bare with me.

I am not one of those women who look down on or judge women who do not wear the hijab. There, I’ve said what I’ve come for, now I can start on my midnight snack. I know, I should elaborate. You see, previous posts I have written in the past may have indicated that I did not favour those who chose not to cover. I can see how that misunderstanding happened. And that is why I’m here, instead of eating my deliciously prepared meal, clarifying my feelings on the issue.

I don’t think it is fair for anyone to judge a person for their choice on to cover or not to cover. It breaks my heart when I think someone may have thought I was actually one of those people who judged others for not wearing the hijab. I think everyone has a choice and at the end of the day it is between the person and God.

I find it can be hurtful when a woman with a hijab will be totally shocked when a woman without a hijab says she is a Muslim. I know that the hijab is a symbol of faith but we shouldn’t be ignorant to the fact that faith starts with what is within; your testifying that there is no God but one God and not associating any partners with him; your good impeccable character which Islam advocates; your prayers, fasts and alms-giving. While writing a previous post on Yahoo! making the hijab available for Muslim women, I took care not to write that Yahoo! had made the hijab available to all Muslim women. Because that would be implying that all Muslim women were ones who wore the hijab- so where would that leave those who didn’t wear the hijab?

Although I do practice the hijab, I have had my fair share of judging because I do not practice the niqab. It hurt, to be out-casted from my own sisters because of my own free will, my own choice, something God entitled me with. I developed a sensitivity towards certain women with the niqab, thinking that they were all out to judge me and strip away any faith I owned.

But then I met Sarah, a woman who has been wearing the niqab for years yet she treats me on the same level; she doesn’t act like she is more pious or on a higher level than me. When I would ask her questions about the niqab, she wouldn’t lecture or preach, that annoying tone that makes you conclude that all these women are the same. She would just talk about her own personal experience which made me love her and not feel wary towards females wearing the niqab; a perfectly understandable defense mechanism I learned to develop in order to not get hurt and feel my spiritual faith draining away.

Of course it is not right to judge something like the hijab or niqab based on how others are using the thing, but we are human and it happens. And I know quite a few women will relate with my experience, perhaps with the hijab, the niqab or something totally different.  Maybe even a few men will relate with the issue of the beard.

Women should really be united and resist creating an ‘us’ and ‘them’ camp. We should be merciful to each other and not label each other so much. It’s exhausting, it creates barriers and intolerance. As women, we should all be role models to each other. That way, we’ll have more of a chance in inspiring someone, changing someones’ life, or at least, changing their views on issues they hold close to their hearts.

Read Unique’s Latest Post on EMY: An analysis of the animated film Monsters Inc

And Being a Muslim on New Years’ Eve