The Virgin Man
I’ve said it indirectly before and I’ll say it bluntly now: I would feel uncomfortable with the idea of marrying a man who is not a virgin. Many Muslim men expect their women to be virgins before marriage so I think it’s only fair that it is seen as fair that women expect the same. Did you catch all of that? Maybe in the future I’ll change my mind if I meet an exceptional man or if someone has a good arguement that convinces me to re-assess my feelings on the subject. But for now, the thought of my husband not being a virgin makes me feel betrayed.
Betrayed is the perfect word for the emotions I feel when I imagine my future husband telling me casually over lunch that he had pre-marital sexual relations. I would rather he go all Clinton on me and say, “I did not have sexual relations with that [or any] woman”.
I know that I’m an understanding person. But when it comes to this subject, I feel like I have the right to expect that my husband saved himself for me. That he wasn’t impatient whilst searching for me. That he feared God even when the temptations were incredibly high.
That is what I expect from him. Are my expectations too high? I don’t think so. Every one of us deserves to have a particular requirement fulfiled and mine is simple: I want a virgin husband.
You can understand my point. I don’t want a non-virgin husband to have expectations from me that other women had previously performed for him. I don’t want him to consciously or even subconsciously compare me with how the others were. Plus there is the jealousy factor that I know I’ll be feeling every time I think of the girls he was previously with. What if we bump into them? What if they’re still in touch but just as colleagues? I know I wouldn’t be able to hack that.
I’d feel that he actually cheated on me, even though he hadn’t met me yet when he had pre-marital sex. He cheated on his future wife, he betrayed her, he didn’t think of her feelings. He stole my right to be his first.
Sure, I know there are men who have repented. I know men who hide the fact that they are not virgins until the woman sees what a good person he is now. These men will have a queue of women interested in sharing their lives with them.
But I ain’t one of them.
I will be interested to know how you plan to find out if the future husband is a virgin or not. I believe every person has the right to keep their past a secret. It’s between them and Allah. That is why, I recommend couples should both get tested for STDs and women should get the HPV vaccination. You never know.
Your feelings are honest and sincere. And I believe you have the right to have any type of expectations, but what you don’t have the right to, is to dig in someone’s past, unless it will directly affect you.
Organic Muslimah
August 3, 2007 at 1:43 am
Unique! *applause*
How can I respond other than, you took the words right out of my mouth? All of my feelings you have described so cleanly!!!
I think you are exactly right. 100% right. And I hope you find your virgin husband… I hope I find mine too.
I have met them– my friends husband who have waited for their wives, and these men say it was the only way to go!
I am happy I am not alone in my feelings.
Sakiina
August 3, 2007 at 1:50 am
OG, I agree. I woudn’t dig into his past and if he wants to keep it a secret because he repented, then this is my naseeb and I can’t do anything about it. Because this is a right God gave us, to hide our past mistakes.
BUT if he says he isn’t a virgin, I have to think twice because of what I wrote in the post. Especially if he is still in touch with these women.
And like I wrote in the post, maybe I’ll change my mind about the issue. But for tonight, I still feel quite uncomfortable about the idea.
Unique Muslimah
August 3, 2007 at 1:50 am
Sakiina
I’m also glad I’m not alone in this issue. It’s a delicate, sensitive and complicated subject, but I’m glad my words are understood so cleanly 
I hope you find your virgin husband too insha’Allah!
Unique Muslimah
August 3, 2007 at 1:52 am
Cairogal
August 3, 2007 at 2:36 am
but what you don’t have the right to, is to dig in someone’s past, unless it will directly affect you
but this does affect her doesn’t it? like unique said in the post, it will mean he may have certain expectations of her..
hema
August 3, 2007 at 2:45 am
But just as men are able to hide their past if they’ve repented women have the same right alhamdulilah. If a woman has had pre marital relations she can hide it.
The problem comes in when you have patriarchal societies where the chastity of the women is emphasized 1000x more than the men’s ughh…
But I applaud this post. I also would like my man to have been a virgin.
And I think that everyone should get STD tested! The only problem is that would you get offended if your to-be spouse asked that of you? I think we should all suck it up and get tested because unfortunately there are dishonest people out there…
Khadija
August 3, 2007 at 3:15 am
I absolutely agree with ‘hema’. It does and a person responsible for losing out to such a temptation is not a VERY good idea! Though these days it is becoming quite acceptable to NOT to be a virgin (as “no body is!!!”) and there are times when peers ridicule!
I am 31 and *only* my FORCEFUL voice (and a Beretta 418 tucked under my belt
keep the peers who know of my Virgin-Status from making fun of me.
I say, I am proud to be so!
There have been more than a score of “OPPORTUNITIES”.
I have had a proper, professional prostitute, brought here by the flat mate; sleep in my room and bed as the other room was “too stuffy and uncomfortable”.
I have had those-dream-girls telling me to let them give me a “Private and Personal audition in a hotel room and I shall pay the bill.” (I’m in showbiz.)
AND, let me repeat, AND, it is tough at times! That flesh, those bones!!! It hits you hard. While telling her to go and brush up her acting skills instead, I may be having a major erection, but then she has to be told to go on and join acting classes.
All this::: for the one!
THE ONE!!!
Just last week, my fiancée for 5 months, called the entire-damned-thing off, citing ASTROLOGICAL reasons. (God-damn-IT!!!) Her astrologer, now, says that we are incompatible as our stars have JUST moved into conflicting positions. Now this is a good enough reason to get myself into the non-Denial stage. “Come on baby, we need not go to any hotel, my house is good and nearby and shan’t cost you!” But then, just *thinking* about THE ONE, the unknown one, justifies all this denial. And once again, VERY difficultly!!! I AM 31, you see?
Here arises a point. I do not care if ‘The She’ is a virgin or not. This past fiancée was not, she told me. However, what if, JUST WHAT IF, your restraint is NOT even acknowledged, leave alone respected and you are promptly labeled a ‘dhhakkan’ (A lid in English, in Hindi it could mean a bum)
So, Unique, it is a raw spot you have touched, early this morning. It is about a week now that I am losing sleep, every night, some for her, some for HER and some for the new movie that I am working on.
There is a Peahen outside my window, in a vacant plot of land. I shall post the pictures on my blog soon. There are some hills nearby and she must have wandered. Her Peacock, I am sure, I know cocks, is going around some-place-else! She is croaking that weird and sad sound. I have absolutely no idea what I can do to help. Maybe I can shoot her with the pistol, this time, and get her out of HER misery!
Sorry.
Ra.
Rahul Sharma
August 3, 2007 at 3:46 am
Unique– definitely not the only one. And there are men out there. My father was one, my Mom told me. She was actually the one who had sadly experienced sexual relationships outside of marriage; she told me how important it is for both the husband and the wife to remain virgins for each other. I think this is the way God designed it to be; both waiting and saving each other for marriage.
There is a lovely song about this from a woman’s perspective. Should I email it to you?
Sakiina
August 3, 2007 at 4:11 am
Good post. Just a question, Unique Muslimah… let’s say in a hypothetical situation, you fall in love with a man that has had past relations and he has reformed and is now an excellent Muslim. Are you going to hold that against him when he eventually confesses to his messy past? Would you not marry him? (even though he may have repented and turned over a new leaf?) Just a thought
Inshallah you will find your virgin husband. Ameen.
Johannesburg girl
August 3, 2007 at 9:25 am
Cairogal, lol
thank you for the offer my darling, you’re so sweet! But this wasn’t a post calling out for people to find me a virgin husband – but it’s so sweet of you to want to get your people to call my people, sounds so hollywood 
Hema…that’s my worry…I am going into detail here, I know a woman who married a man who wasn’t a virgin- he expected her to perform the way the other women he was with! For example she didn’t like french kissing but he really loved it because he had tried it before and so on.
Khadija, thank you for your applause
God is merciful to make us hide our sins. Imagine if He had made sins easily seen? Like if we had sinned, a certain smell would come from us, or the words sinner would appear on our forehead. It would have been so easy for God to do that, but He didn’t. He conceals our sins and gives us the chance to repent, how beautiful is our Lord and His Mercy alhamdulilah?
Rahul, I’m so sorry to hear of this. Sadly many people follow supersition like the stars and it destroys people’s lives. I’m sad to hear that she trusted the stars more than she trusted the relationship and where it was heading. But this is what happens when you follow something that is opposite to the teachings of the true God. Maybe she isn’t the one, maybe there is someone else waiting for you. So keep saving yourself and don’t let this moment of anger make you do something you’ll regret. It should be a special, beautiful moment with your bride, so save yourself until you find her, it’s just a matter of time. Can’t wait to see your pictures and movie!
Sakiina, I rate your mom for sharing her experience with you as it helps you to learn to not follow the same path, especially when everywhere around us promiscuity is being advertised as a great thing, many people give into the pressure. It is the way God designed it to be, isn’t it sweet and romantic?
Please e-mail it 
Johannesburg girl, welcome to my humble blog, it’s been great reading your comments lately. About your hypothetical question, I wrote it above in the post that if I did meet an exceptional man, then I would have to revise my thoughts on this issue and know that Allah is the greatest forgiver, so we should be forgiving too.
Unique Muslimah
August 3, 2007 at 12:21 pm
Assalaamu ‘alaikum
While I agree in principal with what you’re saying, would you then not consider a divorcee as he would not be a virgin?
Nisa
August 3, 2007 at 12:24 pm
I knew this question was going to come up sooner or later Nisa
It’s a great question btw. I’m not including divorcees in this because they are non-virgins by halal means, i.e. they had sex inside the institution of marriage. So although I would still prefer a virgin man, exceptional divorcees would be considered because in this case they didn’t do anything haram.
I’m focusing on those who had sex outside marriage, which is haram.
Unique Muslimah
August 3, 2007 at 12:26 pm
Oohh you can definately tell whether he’s a virgin, as a man can tell if a woman’s a virgin (even those who have their hymens repaired). Frankly stated…the shyness is gone
Bint Will
August 3, 2007 at 2:34 pm
I think virginity and “sexual history” is something that depends on the person who’s marrying and the prospective partner.
I personally think a sensible, mature and responsible person would tell a prospective partner things that he/she knows and deems important for the other to know, those things that are likely to effect him AND her. So about something like having a sexual past (and/or not being a virgin) I would think they would tell you. And if they dont detail anything of that nature then Insh’Allah there is nothing like that – to which one should say Alhumdulillah and trust in Allah (swt). Sometimes curiousity and suspicious thoughts can create all kinds of irrational fears in ones mind and heart.
On the other hand, ignorance IS bliss. Although I understand that not everyones thinks the same, and some people probably would keep it shhh, but then I think if it all came out in the open a few years down the line, it’d have serious ramifications on the marriage and the relationship.
So thats what I mean about a sensible, mature person would more than likely tell a prospective partner about something as serious as this.
I personally am the same as you Unique, I couldnt marry a non-virgin. Whether loss of virginity was through halal means or not, its not how they lost it, but the fact that they aren’t a virgin matters to me. But that would be taken into account alongside other factors re the person, so its a tricky one. It would depend on what you rate “priority” wise and how much it would actually bother you about their non-virgin status.
(whoa, essay!)
Sumera
August 3, 2007 at 4:47 pm
I agree with you Unique, if I’m saving myself for him, “I feel like I have the right to expect that my husband saved himself for me” – absolutely.
liya101
August 3, 2007 at 5:44 pm
i echo your sntiments exactly! BUT if everyone were to be like us, divorced/widowed men and women wont be remarrying. that’d be sad.
i pray you meet the man of your dreams insha’Allah. and me to;)
youngMuslimah
August 3, 2007 at 5:59 pm
Bint Will, how can you tell if a man is a virgin or not? I didn’t understand.
Sumera, you rock!
Liya, welcome back
How’s the wedding plans going? 
Glad we’re on the same boat here.
Youngmuslimah
I’m sure there are plenty of women who wouldn’t mind marrying non-virgins who were married before, because they did it through a halal way. Plenty of people re-marry without a problem alhamduliah. But there is also the few of us who prefer virgins because there’s the idea that he’s on the same level of you in regards of experience and knowledge… ameen my dear, you’re in my duaas 
Unique Muslimah
August 3, 2007 at 8:22 pm
Sometimes we need to do a bit of introspection!
Allah ta’la said:
Women impure are for men impure, and men impure for women impure and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity. (24.26)
Ahmad Shakir
August 3, 2007 at 11:20 pm
i know how that feels. i cried for ages when i found out that my boyfriend had sexual relations… well, that was before we met, but i still felt betrayed because i have saving myself for marriage and it was not fair!
bebenibadoodles
August 4, 2007 at 5:28 am
Ahmad as always barak Allah feek for giving us ayahs men el quran
Benbenibadoodles, I don’t blame you for crying my love, I’m sorry that you had to go through it at all! That’s how I feel too- that it’s not fair! *hugs*
Unique Muslimah
August 4, 2007 at 3:34 pm
You have every right to want the man you will spend the rest of your life with to be a virgin!!! This is an expectation you have and making it known from the get-go as they say.
I’m sick of all the chavanism that men have in that they have to get a taste of carnial pleasure before marriage. It sickens me really, sleeping with many women because they feel so-called masculine they’re nothing more than male sluts!!! And then lie about it to their future wife who assumes that the man they will marry is a virgin which just makes it even more appauling. What I can’t stand is men who take women both western and eastern etc. as their play-toys and then discard them as garbage once they see its getting serious and go-off and marry a “good girl” from their country. So I’m so for a virgin guy who has his priorities straight. I think society should put as much emphasis for men to keep their virginity till marriage as much as they demand it for women. But also it shouldn’t mean just because a woman isn’t a virgin she’s garbage and the only thing that makes a good wife. I think you know what I mean…right? but that would be an entirely different post. So inshallah Allah will bring you your Prince Pure as white silk to you, and I totally agree with your demands. It’s only fair and makes it all that more special on that special night inshallah. Hugs
carimuslima
August 4, 2007 at 3:58 pm
I understand your desire and I pray that you find this man. You already said you will not pry into his past so I won’t tell you that!
Something that really bothers me is when the man asks the woman to see the doctor to prove she is a virgin. This was the case with my sister in law, who did as was asked. She was a virgin so it was inconsequential to her. Even so I think it is a wrong signal to send that she consented to such a test. There is no such test for a man and as many people stated in their comments it is our right to keep our sins quiet if Allah has granted to us that they are hidden, thank you Allah! I really hate this double standard!
Just from my own experience of marriage I will say also that you should not allow him to tell you anything. Tell the man from the start not to tell you anything about his past because it will only hurt you if there is something there. It is not worth it. My husband and I made this pact in the beginning of our marriage, neither of us know a thing about the others past and 7 years into it we still agree this was a very good decision. We see couples who made this mistake and these things often end up as the ammunition in a fight.
May Allah grant your hearts desire.
Agadir_Girl
August 4, 2007 at 4:56 pm
Carimuslimah, your words are such a comfort to me, thank you my dearest sis! Love you! xx
Agadir! That is really humilating. I’d feel like a piece of meat. Plus I’d feel like I’m not trusted by these people and that they are just marrying me for my purity, not who I am or what I stand for.
I really love your decision. May Allah bless both of you with a beautiful eternal relationship insha’allah to jannah
Unique Muslimah
August 5, 2007 at 1:29 pm
Virginity of Soul.. It is important. But the problem some VIRGIN boys get married soon just to satisfy their sexual feelings and after marriage they find out new thing and start to go along other women too. I saw so many cases like this. A boy who didnt hv any relationship b4 marriage and after that he start to have so many.
And i saw so many boys who had so many relationships before marriage but when they get married they left all and settle down with their beloved wife. They married when they really fell in LoVe..
I think most important is that the marriage should not be just for sexual purposes. He must have feeling of settling down just with ONE woman and LoVe her for loving all women just in ONE, then get married..
I really dont mind if my husband NOT to be virgin as long as i know he left all past relationships to be just MINE..
Shahrzad
August 6, 2007 at 3:03 pm
Dear Unique…u r really rather unique in a way that i really admire.
now back to our subject!
you say “Maybe in the future I’ll change my mind if I meet an exceptional man or if someone has a good arguement”
what on earth would be a good argument for such infidelity????? if in their shoes would girls have any good arguments as well!!!
Placebo
August 8, 2007 at 2:33 pm
Unique, it has been to long since I had a moment to read your articles bot today I made time and I am glad I did.
Your views and ideal as a single woman asking nothing more from her future mate to be a virgin as are you when that special day arrives is to be commended. As a male I see and validate your point. Why would I want to marry a woman who prior to meeting myself had been casually sleeping around.
Sex, to be very blunt, is something special to be shared between tow people who love each other enough to make a life time commitment to each other through thick and thin, not as a casual pastime or form of entertainment.
I have a daughter who will be 13 later this year and she, unlike most others her age is very modest. As her father I am very proud of that fact as I am positive your father is of you for the same reasons.
It is refreshing to hear and read about women who value their minds and bodies as you do. I respect that in a woman. Thank you for sharing your ideals.
Allan
August 10, 2007 at 1:27 am
Placebo thank you
) Well I was thinking along the lines that if the person repented sincerely and has changed and become a good religious person, and has no disease from such actions, then a person might be able to forgive the past and continue with this person. What do you think?
Allan, thank you
) Your daughter sounds like such a cutie mashaAllah. I also see it as…if a person was that tempted in the past to committ such an action, then it means they have lack of self-control and lack of respect to God’s laws…so what impact would that make on married life, if the husband holds those characteristics? Thank you for stopping by :0) Photographs will be coming soon by the way!
Unique Muslimah
August 10, 2007 at 9:27 am
[...] Please do not write, “Rahul, I am so-ooooooooo sorry to know about this!” This entry was written by Rahul Sharma and posted on [...]
An Engagement and a Few Stars… « I write at times… I read more… And then, i get fanatically Tired !!!
September 11, 2007 at 4:03 pm
rahul led me to this post here.
it is nice to know that you keep so much trust in your faith. I have just one query since i agree with most of what you have written—-
what about if the virgin man has crazy ideas about what he wants you to do for him
what if his knowledge is too corrupt with the malice of the real world. would you still have reason to support your own theory.
I for one have had my share of colourful moments and maybe would not know what it feels like to be in the shoes of my pal rahul.
giving your body, submitting it to someone else is the ultimate symbol of trust.
do not know what to call your virgin dream man– a man who resists or a man who does not know how to trust
nitinsoni39
June 14, 2008 at 10:43 am
Assalam alikykom
I wish all the best to my muslim brothers and sisters especially those surrounded by constant temptation and remain pure. I myself have non muslim mother and have remained pure..so i am very proud of myself (i am 20).
I totally agree Unique girl! my bf (soon fiance!) told me he is a virgin and hasnt had any sexual relations with any girls- sluts or girlfriends, he never asked me as he believes its hurtful but for a man it is different obviously and i have the right to know everything. Being mixed race, and with a lack of Tunisian men in England i have to marry Tunisian man and to know i have found a devout muslim who is true and pure heart is the best feelings, Inchallah he will remain virgin untill our wedding day! I feel so confident now after reading this article and im certain he didnt lie to me. Good luck sisters in finding your virgin & pure men
British_Tunisiangirl
December 24, 2008 at 12:20 am
Assalam, just stopped by because there was a link to this blog about marital rape. I was just checking the blog sister and found this post. Interesting i agree with UM sister that a sister should have a husband that is A virgin.
Personally am a brother and am a virgin, and when i tell my non-muslims about this they all say “good stay that way”…lol
Anyway, it would bother me if my future wife was not a virgin and just happened to tell me one day or something like that because i wouldn’t ask her if she was a Virgin or not. I would feel the same feelings that unique sister is going through.
wasalam
abdifatah
February 18, 2009 at 8:37 pm
Thank you
Unique Muslimah
February 24, 2009 at 11:22 pm
good day..
im too young for this discussion, Umique, but im having this confusion.
i have this someone who is courting me right now, i found out that he had done some actions in his past life that i couldn’t quite accept for now. just like you, he might re-assess my thoughts but for now i’d stay sticking to my decision of marrying someone who is clean and pure as i am. i love him, and if ever he will be my boyfriend i have a feeling that our relationship will last, but the problem is he is not a virgin already. should i say yes to him? or stick to my decision? i am now about to tell him my opinion regarding this issue, thinking he would understand.. we have this 7 years age gap, and im still in college.
i believe he’s far too experienced for me, we have different levels.but i love him too, he just wasn’t able to save his self for his future wife.. what should i do? im soooo confused. but for now, im having this final decision of saying no to him..
Jessie
June 11, 2009 at 8:18 am