A Secret Revealed
It’s probably negative thinking, but I’ve always held this belief about myself. A certain belief that I find to be inevitable. Deep down though, I know I could be wrong. But looking at all the bad things happening in the world around me, doesn’t give me much to hope for.
I’ve always believed that I am unlovable. It’s just like a rational fact that exists in my mind. Is it about self-confidence? I don’t know. I’m quite a confident person though, so I don’t know where this stems from. That no one can truly love me. I am not sure how this self-belief began, but it seems like it has always been there. I know I am loved by my immediate family, but I doubt I’m loved outside this support system.
The greatest belief I have is that I’ll never find a man who will truly love me for me. I’m scared if a man just wants to marry me because of the idea he has of me, but he never really sits down and understands who I really am, that there is more to me than just a face. Most proposals have made me feel like an object. As long as I’m in good condition with a hijab on they’ll want to take me. But I’m more than that. I’m a person with ideas and thoughts. I’m a person with feelings and beliefs. I want the person to understand who Unique Muslimah is. I don’t want the person to marry me only based on what I look like. I don’t want someone to put me on a pedal stool either, just admiring me for my achievements.
Even friends, I always believe that they will soon dislike me, they will soon find a reason not to stick around. That I am unlovable even to them. When they tell me they really love my company, I always think they are just being nice or that they have mistaken me for someone else.
Despite those concerns, the only thing that really matters to me is if God loves me. Sometimes I feel that I am even unloved by God. Simply because I do not deserve His wonderous Love. I haven’t done enough to earn it.
Don’t get me wrong, I do love myself, I have lived with “me” for a while now. But I have always doubted that anyone else will ever truly understand and love who I am. It used to bring me misery in the past. Now I’ve just submitted to God’s fate, knowing whatever happens is just meant to be.
Maybe somethings are just meant to be.
Maybe I’m wrong.
I really do hope so.
“It’s probably negative thinking”
Yes it is.
“but I’ve always held this belief about myself”
You need to stop doing that!
“A certain belief that I find to be inevitable.”
Aside from death, ever else is evitable.
“Deep down though, I know I could be wrong.”
Yes you are wrong!
“But looking at all the bad things happening in the world around me, doesn’t give me much to hope for.”
There are many good things happening in the world around you, you just need refocus your attention.
“I’ve always believed that I am unlovable. ”
As my old psych professor used to say, belief is reality. If you believe that then will be your reality.
“It’s just like a rational fact that exists in my mind.”
Not really! Personally I think it is quite irrational!
“Is it about self-confidence?”
Well here was your response to your question: “I don’t know. I’m quite a confident person though, so I don’t know where this stems from.” Do you think that is a confident person answering?
“That no one can truly love me. I am not sure how this self-belief began, but it seems like it has always been there.”
No child is born with such mentality! It is all acquired. You need to let it go.
“I know I am loved by my immediate family, but I doubt I’m loved outside this support system.”
This is unfounded assumptions.
Suggestive
July 4, 2007 at 2:56 am
“The greatest belief I have is that I’ll never find a man who will truly love me for me.”
This is again goes to my claim the reality you create is based on what you believe in. If you maintain such belief then I am sad to say it will remain true.
“I’m scared if a man just wants to marry me because of the idea he has of me, but he never really sits down and understands who I really am, that there is more to me than just a face.”
Here is the thing. You are asking for something that is accomplished over the many years in a marriage to be done before the marriage. Moreover, people don’t completely open themselves up until they know the other party will stick around. So I think you need to forgo such requirement in my opinion.
“Most proposals have made me feel like an object. As long as I’m in good condition with a hijab on they’ll want to take me.”
You said most, so what about the ones who did not make you feel like that? What was wrong with them?
“I’m a person with ideas and thoughts. I’m a person with feelings and beliefs. ”
I think most muslim men will be able to accept that but the question would you be, would you able them for who they are!
“I don’t want the person to marry me only based on what I look like. I don’t want someone to put me on a pedal stool either, just admiring me for my achievements.”
So lets see, a guy cannot want you for you looks. The guy cannot admire you or look up to you for your achievements. So what should the guys say when you ask him, “why do you want to marry me?”
Suggestive
July 4, 2007 at 3:12 am
“Even friends, I always believe that they will soon dislike me, they will soon find a reason not to stick around.”
If you believe that, they will do what you belief in.
“That I am unlovable even to them. When they tell me they really love my company, I always think they are just being nice or that they have mistaken me for someone else.”
If you assume the worst in people, you will always see the worst in them. If you don’t assume the worst, you might be able to see their good and thier bad.
“Despite those concerns, the only thing that really matters to me is if God loves me. Sometimes I feel that I am even unloved by God. Simply because I do not deserve His wonderous Love. I haven’t done enough to earn it.”
I think I you do and so do other people! What you said about is negative thinking. Get rid of it. The only ones who don’t deserve the love of God are evil people.
“Don’t get me wrong, I do love myself, I have lived with “me” for a while now. But I have always doubted that anyone else will ever truly understand and love who I am.”
If you add the negative thinking you have right now with the impossible requirement for the future spouse, you will see why think, “that anyone else will ever truly understand and love who I am.”
“used to bring me misery in the past. Now I’ve just submitted to God’s fate, knowing whatever happens is just meant to be.”
You are not quitter. And not everything is predistined.
“Maybe somethings are just meant to be.”
Not this!
“Maybe I’m wrong.”
By the almighty, you are wrong
“I really do hope so.”
Don’t hope but rather know that you are wrong about this matter.
Suggestive
July 4, 2007 at 3:33 am
And yeah, sorry for the long response
Suggestive
July 4, 2007 at 3:34 am
Uniqua ya gameela ya 7ilwah ya 2amoora ya 3asal ya a7la we 2ara2 bint fi il wigood, il ukhti il kibeera ili midawa7′ani we 3awza Organic teegi tidrabha 3ala 7′afeef.
I think you worry too much and sometimes over analyze things. I’ve told you many times you are beautiful and smart human being. Remember my first emails to you?
I’ve learned from life, if someone truly “discovers” and “appreciates” who you really are, they will hold on to you immediately and never let go. How will they let go when they have discovered the best thing that can ever be? And you or me might not be the best thing for everyone, but there will always be that special someone who will realize all those little things that others will miss. Because everything about you will be important.
I believe you are a confident person Unique. As a matter of fact, I think you are over confident and sometimes you might put yourself high up there, where you make yourself unreachable to others. You will be surprised at how people can discover things about you from the first word, first statement, first anything. Don’t underestimate anyone. We are all equals here and surely God has created us to understand one another (although at times we do fail to put in effort).
Love yourself yes, and how can one lose hope when Al-Wadud is here? Never ever sweets. Don’t let all that negative self-talk take over. MashAllah, we ALlahu Akbar, the progress I’ve seen in the past few months have only inspired me wallahi! And ba7lif aho?
And I am writing this as a reminder to myself before you!
Organic Muslimah
July 4, 2007 at 8:29 am
Unique! I think you have too much time on your hand. That is why all these thoughts are coming to you!
Just become busy in your work, your website and be with friends who love you… It’s the devil way of creating unrest in us and stealing our confidence.
Take Care!
Alefyah
July 4, 2007 at 12:21 pm
You’re not alone in thinking like that Uniqueee.
Sumera
July 4, 2007 at 2:37 pm
I second Alfyah. I believe that too much time allows devil to play on our vulnerabilities, creates doubts and build up fake facts on them. I know your schedule is full but you have a lot of energy too. Belive me Unique WE ALL have these moments of uncertainty that go away by itself. I also agree with the funny Organic that you are wonderful and confident person – may be over confident sometimes
HLA
July 4, 2007 at 3:21 pm
Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah (may peace and blessing be upon him) Said, By the One Who possess my soul, You shall not enter Paradise so long as you do not affirm belief and you will not believe as long as you do not LOVE one another. Should I not direct you to a thing which, if you do, will foster LOVE amongst you? Give currency to (the practice of paying salutation to one another by saying) as-salamu alaikum. (Muslim)
Ahmad Shakir
July 4, 2007 at 4:06 pm
wow Im really shocked you wrote that becacuse thats an actual dilema Im going through in my life feeling unloved, but in my case I actually married the wrong man whos not my friend and doesnt understand ‘me ‘.I realise now the husband I need is one who is a proper friend who I can talk to how I would talk to my girlfriends. about the feelings you feel about your friends , I always go through that , its like that say really nice things about me , then other times I think hmmm I dont think you really like me , I feel like a fake , personaly I think its insecurtys within us you need 2 look withing you and find out why ? .
husband , children , parents ..whatever they do you wont care ..you have allah …at the end of it were only guests !
where you ever bullied when you were younger perhapes? because I was , easy targert . now Im in adulthood everyones knows who I am ‘huda the friendly smily one ‘ . when I was a little girl I was dieing for love . Now I just dont care , what I really need is complete utter confidence in myself and exceptence . certain that I have allah everything else comes second .
one other point is pls pls pls pls pls DONT LOSE HOPE ! their is someone out their you must ask allah with conviction inshallah …inshallah do that .speak 2 him ..hell guide you .
hope that helped
walkum wasalam your sis , i changed my name 2 poeticmuslim..thought it was inapropriate 2 have my name !
poeticmuslim
July 4, 2007 at 4:32 pm
oh yeh me 2 IM sorry for the long reply :p
poeticmuslim
July 4, 2007 at 4:33 pm
“where you ever bullied when you were younger perhapes?”
Ouch? I don’t think the post was meant to be an analysis of her childhood. That’s what therapy is for
Nevertheless, funny statement sis!
Organic Muslimah
July 4, 2007 at 4:50 pm
lol organic lol , the reason why I said that was because what happens in childhood often effects how you feel or see yourself in adulthood . It was more of a question for herself not to really tell us
poeticmuslimah
July 4, 2007 at 5:54 pm
My dear, sweet sister, please stop being so hard on yourself.
Insha Allah, there is someone out there for you and not only will he love you, but his love for you will increase with time.
But….. you need to love yourself. Someone else’s love will never be enough, if you don’t love yourself first (I know this from experience).
Email me if you want to chat more, I’m always here for you, ukhti, insha Allah.
safiya
July 4, 2007 at 6:34 pm
unique and sumera- you guys will find love one day, just have faith xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
hema
July 4, 2007 at 7:07 pm
Dear wonderful Muslims and readers, I really appreciate you making me feel better. I do feel better.
I was really surprised to hear this as I believe I have low self-confidence in some parts of my life. I probably do have too much energy thinking wise, but it’s great to be able to express myself to you all without judging me.
You’re right though, when a person goes through bad experiences, for example bullying when a child, it does break your self-confidence. I don’t mind that question actually and I can answer honestly that yes I was bullied for being different (i.e. from another nationality and background). I don’t think it is something shameful to keep a secret (being bullied), on the contrary, we should come out with our experiences so we can help others who may be facing similar situations.
Thank you for your offer habibty, you are a sweetheart! 
I’m okay really, if I had written this post a decade or two ago I would have seriously needed your hugs and reassurance, but now I’m okay about it but just wanted to share with you all a glimpse into my brain cells 
Thank you suggestive for replying to me line by line, it really helped me focus my energy into positive thinking. The thing is, I know this is all irrational thoughts, but I wanted to just express it, maybe it will help me find some good comfort in everyones replies and maybe it will help others who are feeling the same. Barak Allah Feek brother, I really appreciate it
Organic, I think I am an over-analyzer in some aspects, including this one, and I tend to try to predict the future which is totally wrong. But I’m a human. Believe me, years back it was so much worse. Now I hardly think about it. But a few days ago while I was watching a film, it just reminded me of these past thoughts, how I used to see the world. I know a part of me still believes that I’m unlovable, but a large part of me also believes that I’m lovable and that the irrational thought is wrong.
I don’t understand how I’m over-confident? I’d love a clarification, because I’ve always thought I have a bit of a self-esteem problem! It’s wonderful that I’m learning more about myself through your eyes, I love it! Thank you for your advice my darling!
Alefyah, maybe I do have too much time on my hands, although I’m always trying to keep busy with different projects. But you’re right, sometimes I do have moments where I have free time to just think about things. And the memory of being a girl and believing that I was unloved just came back to me. I smiled, thinking about how I used to strongly believe it. Now I don’t believe it so much, but it’s still there, to me it’s still a possibility. Thank you my love
Sumera, I know I’m probably not alone. I’m sure that each one of us goes through the same thinking even once in their life if not more. It’s just a matter of getting your mind to think positively and to look at all the examples of your statement being true. If I write down a list of people who do show their love to me, it will prove my statement wrong that I am unlovable. But like I said before, I’m human, and the devil likes to plant self-piting thoughts into our minds.
HLA, I still don’t get how I am over-confident
Thank you Ahmad Shakir for that reminder, I love this hadith actually. You know, I’m quite a lovable person, I mean so many people say they love me, even if they sit with me for a few hours. But like I said in the post, I never really believe them, probably because of low-self esteem, or past experiences with friendships, I’m not sure. Barak Allah Feek
Poetic/Huda I’m sorry my sweet, insha’allah God will give you a better man. Like everyone here said, loving yourself is the most important thing. I do believe I love myself so much more than I used to years back. I value myself. I respect myself. I’ve been through a lot with “ME” and we’re survivors sis, remember that
Safyiah, you’re right, I am always being hard on myself! I’m always too ambitious for myself. I do love myself so much more than I used to. I enjoy my company so much more too. I’m not in a rush to be loved by a man because I know it’s not all black and white
Hema, thank you my love!
Sorry for the long reply, but I really just want to thank everyone here for the pep talk, you guys are very good people to have around.
Jazakum Allah Kul Kheyran. Believe me, all of you are in my duaas!
Unique Muslimah
July 4, 2007 at 7:32 pm
Unique, I know exactly how you feel– especially when it comes to a man. I feel the same way. I just have to keep reminding myself that it’s not true.
It’s not so much whether or not you are capable of being loved, because you are. Look at how much your readers love you.
It’s also the fact that other people have the ability to love. With the assistance of God, we should try to love all human beings…. including ourselves.
If you can love yourself than I am sure a man can too. And if you love yourself, you’ll be able to find the right man who will love you for the right reasons.
Sometimes it’s hard to believe, but just keep telling yourself it… because you can be loved, it’s true. I just hope you learn to believe it.
Sakiina
July 5, 2007 at 5:30 am
*Hugs*
Awwwwwwww, I know how you feel… I used to feel that way… and still do sometimes feel that way about my friends – I’m afraid that maybe I’m a “forgettable” kind of person, that when people are away from me I just don’t exist for them anymore… but then something wonderful will always happen, like an unexpected email or letter, and al-Hamdulillaah that horrible thought will go away and I’ll thank Allah for the amazing friends and sisters in Islam He’s given me!
=)
I think the best thing to do is think about allllll the blessings in our lives, and be grateful for them… and then go benefit (in a halaal way) from those blessings so that we don’t end up in sucky moods like this and having these kinds of thoughts.
Love,
Mouse
AnonyMouse
July 5, 2007 at 7:00 am
salam btw unique I think I gave the wrong impression that I have a bad husband …I DONT…. were just very incompatible …because for so long I felt unloved my hubby came a long and gave it to me ..even though we cant connect this is what happens when you have low self esteem you rush into things ..now I have to pay the price
..hey I think I have shared too much 
but anyways just didnt want to give the wrong impression . ..
try this excercise it works for me ..you tell yourself infron the mirriow ..that your are good , your a nice person..your beautiful …count all the blessings …now as a women I actually fel grateful for the wonderful people that allah has put in my life ..Im SURE you have that to ..you really do apear to be confident ..successful ambitious people are often those who have gone through ISSUES in their life . so its not always a bad thing .
poeticmuslim
July 5, 2007 at 8:40 am
oooh sory about all the typing mistakes just realizd!
poeticmuslim
July 5, 2007 at 8:41 am
Sakinna, Anon, PoeticMuslim, big hugs to the three of you, thank you
Unique Muslimah
July 5, 2007 at 1:11 pm
Asslaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu sister,
Ditto to most of what has been said here! You are unique, beautiful, and LOVEABLE! You will find the right guy sooner or later….it usually comes when you least expect it. lol Good things come to those who wait.
Don’t give up, have confidence and make dua. There are worse things than being beautiful, unique and single.
Umm Yusuf
July 5, 2007 at 4:18 pm
Thank you Umm Yusuf, as always you know how to bring a smile to my face
You’re really sweet, barak Allah feeki!
Wa alaykum al salam wa rahmat Allah wa barakatu
Unique Muslimah
July 5, 2007 at 7:25 pm
BIG HUG IS IN ORDER HERE!!!!! I know I’m late, but a huge cyber hug for you girl. You are a great person. You’re compassionate, considerate, loving, generous, smart, strong. and more… this is just on your blogging personality now imagine in person. Girl you got it going on, you are so lovable and whoever sets you aside they’re missing out on knowing what a great person you really are. Patience is a great virtue one that I believe you have achieved Alhamdulilah. So don’t worry sis, it will come in a blue tiffany box nothing but the best inshallah. Hugs
carimuslima
July 6, 2007 at 9:56 pm
Thank you so much Cari, I almost had tears in my eyes when I re-read everyone’s comments, including yours that was just the icing on the cake. Thank you my love, you are really kind and sweet. I’m lucky to have you guys here, barak Allah feekum, group huggy (sisters only thank you, brothers can hug each other in a seperate room)
Unique Muslimah
July 6, 2007 at 10:38 pm
Some girls fall in love( or they show) to marry bcs they wanna settle down in a stable family,some need support, Some need kindness and some of them seek something beyond these aims. I think spiritual connection is more important for you. Just you need to remove negative feelings. You have very beautiful mind and are a very special free girl ( as i got it from yr blog). Its really good that you love yourself bcs who loves himself, can love others too. You should know wt you want from love. Ask the question:”Wt is love for me?” When you find out answer, soon or late, that’s the right time.
I tried it and i took very good result
Allah knows best..
Shahrazad
July 6, 2007 at 11:48 pm
Unique {cool name by the way},
I think that a lot of women feel exactly the same as you. I know that I do sometimes. I know that it is the whisperings of Satan but it can still be hard to ignore.
I’m not very good at making friends or keeping them for that matter. I’m not really sure why either but in recent years have come to think that maybe others see me as a bit of a porcupine and tend to keep there distance and friendship is something I have lacked through the years.
In my younger years I did much care if people liked me and just cruised through life. However as I got a little older and wiser I started to ask myself why I seem to prick people the wrong way. Is it my looks, confidence, self esteem, or my outspokenness? I have shed tears over some people not understanding me or knowing the good hearted person that I am. I think that my problem making friends has nothing at all to do with me but the insecurities of others who may feel intimidated by me or threatened in some way as I’ve been told that I’m very intimidating {I don’t see why}.
Always remember that the things people do or say have nothing to do with us but are because of there own issues.
Anyway I thought it may be helpful for you to know that we all feel like you do and God willing you will find a man who will love you for you.
Take care!
Desert Flower
July 8, 2007 at 12:54 pm
Thank you shah, a big hug for you, your words are lovely and comforting to me
Desert flower thank you and I love you! Your words make so much sense to me and I know exactly how it is. Thank you so much… x
Unique Muslimah
July 8, 2007 at 6:35 pm
My Mom sent this to me and I thought you might like to read it.
This should probably be taped
to your bathroom mirror
where one could read it every day.
You may not realize it,
but it’s 100% true.
1. There are at least two people in this world
that you would die for.
2. At least 15 people in this world
love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you
is because they want to
be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone,
even if they don’t
like you.
5. Every night,
SOMEONE thinks about you
before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. You are special and unique.
8. Someone that you don’t even know exists loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever,
something good comes from it.
10 When you think the world
has turned its back on you
take another look.
11 Always remember the compliments you received.
Forget about the rude remarks.
So………
If you are a loving friend,
send this to everyone,
including the one that sent it to you.
If you get it back, then they really do love you.
Good friends are like stars……..
You don’t always see them,
But you know they are always there.
“Whenever God Closes One Door He Always Opens Another, Even Though
Sometimes It’s Hell in the Hallway”
I would rather have one rose and a kind word
from a friend while I’m here
than a whole truck load when I’m gone.
Forward to all your friends.
And don’t tell me you’re too busy for this..
Don’t you know the phrase
“stop and smell the flowers”?
See how many “bouquets” you end up with!
Happiness keeps You Sweet,
Trials keep You Strong,
Sorrows keep You Human,
Failures keeps You Humble,
Success keeps You Glowing,
But Only
God keeps You Going
Desert Flower
July 9, 2007 at 12:50 am
My mom sent this to me and thought you would like to read it.
This should probably be taped
to your bathroom mirror
where one could read it every day.
You may not realize it,
but it’s 100% true.
1. There are at least two people in this world
that you would die for.
2. At least 15 people in this world
love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you
is because they want to
be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone,
even if they don’t
like you.
5. Every night,
SOMEONE thinks about you
before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. You are special and unique.
8. Someone that you don’t even know exists loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever,
something good comes from it.
10 When you think the world
has turned its back on you
take another look.
11 Always remember the compliments you received.
Forget about the rude remarks.
So………
If you are a loving friend,
send this to everyone,
including the one that sent it to you.
If you get it back, then they really do love you.
Good friends are like stars……..
You don’t always see them,
But you know they are always there.
“Whenever God Closes One Door He Always Opens Another, Even Though
Sometimes It’s Hell in the Hallway”
I would rather have one rose and a kind word
from a friend while I’m here
than a whole truck load when I’m gone.
Forward to all your friends.
And don’t tell me you’re too busy for this..
Don’t you know the phrase
“stop and smell the flowers”?
See how many “bouquets” you end up with!
Happiness keeps You Sweet,
Trials keep You Strong,
Sorrows keep You Human,
Failures keeps You Humble,
Success keeps You Glowing,
But Only
God keeps You Going
Desert Flower
July 9, 2007 at 12:52 am
[...] so sweet and heartwarming, and of course, had to share it with you. I read it on a comment from Unique Muslimah’s blog. The comment was sent by Desert Flower. This cheered me up and made my evening. [...]
Someone Out There Loves You « InTuiTivE MuSliMah
July 10, 2007 at 8:41 pm
Desert flower, your poem is such a comfort to me, THANK YOU! And thanks Intuitive muslimah for linking
Unique Muslimah
July 10, 2007 at 9:26 pm
My dear Ladies, I would like to point out from a male perspective that we as men often have the same fears. we just try to hide it to be macho.
I myself have felt the way your describe many times when I was younger, and more so after having a relationship go sour. But I eventually found the love of my life and with much hard work on both our parts we have found the love and inner peace we both sought and it continues to grow.
I first met my wife at our, then, place of employment. Neither of us was interested in meeting anyone let alone each other. Over period of time a friendship developed and well the rest still evolving as we grow old together.
My point is, keep your options open but don’t try to dwell on finding Mr or Mrs Right. When the time is right it will happen and it will all be worth it because that someone will love you for you and not that they think you should be or have…
Allan
July 13, 2007 at 1:00 am
Thank you Allan for your words of comfort, I’m so happy you found your love
Unique Muslimah
July 13, 2007 at 4:49 am
It was my Pleasure…sorry for posting it twice :0)
Desert Flower
July 15, 2007 at 6:51 pm
[...] be so?sweet and heartwarming, and of course, had to?share it with you. I read it on a comment from Unique Muslimah’s blog. The comment was sent by Desert Flower. This cheered me up and made my evening. [...]
my 1983 : Someone Out There Loves You
August 5, 2007 at 11:07 am