Don’t Judge a Book…
In Egypt young men are searching for the ideal ‘good wife’. It’s not based on who you are exactly, what makes you who you are; it’s based on your faith. And how do you tell if a woman is religious or not? For these young men the critieria is that they are wearing the hijab. If it’s the niqab, then it’s even better! Then they can go showing off to their relatives that they have picked such a good catch, all just because she’s wearing the hijab. I remember my 18 year old cousin was happy to announce that he wants to get engaged. All he told us about the girl is that she is wearing the hijab. I mean, what more do we want? That’s enough! That just proves she’s an excellent girl, a perfect muslimah.
On the other side of the coin there are sisters who are looking for the ideal husband. These sisters choose the guy on the basis of their looks; do they look Islamic- are they wearing a beard? Do they talk a lot about Islam? Do they preach? Even better!
It’s when they get married to each other that they realise it was all wrong. Appearance doesn’t mean a thing ladies and gentlemen. What’s inside is what really counts, the outside is a bonus if what’s inside reflects what is on the outside. The divorce rate is increasing because of this issue. It’s devastating lives.
I remember a sister was very attracted to a young man because all he spoke about was dawah and religion. She married him and he ended up being a terrorist suspect and jailed for several years. He left her with nothing because he was poor. The flat they lived in had no electricity, imagine? He believed being poor was Islamic. His twisted version of Islam made him think that it was good to live in a hut, it was good to not have a stable job, it was good to use others for his own benefit and take advantage of them, it was good to hurt others as long as he justified his reasons. It was good to struggle. I have no idea what happened to this sister, but I do pray for her.
I remember hearing a story of a guy in Egypt who wanted to get married to a very beautiful girl who wore the hijab. Her wearing the hijab was enough for him to determine that she was a religious girl. He didn’t bother to get to know her through the engagement period because he was so confident that she was the right girl for him. He later found out that she was in love with another guy and seeing him behind his back. He broke off the engagement and vowed to get to know the person he would marry- in an Islamic setting of course.
But too many of our sisters and brothers are falling into the same trap. I hear of brothers saying they are looking for a ‘hijabi girl to marry’. Or sisters saying they are looking for ‘bearded brothers to marry’. A few months ago I came across a blog of a brother who writes a lot about Islam. A sister who was new to the blog wrote a comment saying ‘You sound like a very good husband’. How did she know that? Just based on the fact that he wrote about Islam a lot? This is just an example and in no way is it judging these people. But divorces are increasing because of this reason- that people just look at the exterior and later find out the interior is a devil in disguise.
So sisters, brothers, daughters, sons, don’t judge a person ENTIRELY by its cover. It’s doomed many.
[...] uniquemuslimah Writes Powered by Gregarious (21) [...]
Judging by Cover at Congregation of Muslim Bloggers
March 28, 2007 at 4:00 pm
I know that people say that there are more sisters out there who are deening and not enough brothers who are deening to get married to, but honestly, do we really?
I would be afraid to encourage my son to marry like almost any sister. Women are so backwards anymore (obviously not all but that’s the problem- finding out who isn’t), so feminist, don’t want to fulfill their duties as is mandated in Islaam, want to be like the non-Muslim women but still like you said they may wear a khimaar or even a niqaab.
It’s a scary world and one needs to think realistically and remember that no one will be perfect, everyone has shortcomings and no life will be perfect. But mainly, one needs to make loads of du`aa’ and truly be sincere.
I was one who judged by the cover, but alhamdulillaahi rabbil ‘aalameen my book ended up good.
Umm Layth
March 28, 2007 at 5:19 pm
Lol. I guess I am the raving Hijabi feminist. I dress in full garb but I have a big mouth and many “bearded” brothers won’t like me. Mutual
I love the reflections from Egypt, keep them coming sweets!
organicmuslimah
March 28, 2007 at 5:39 pm
But how can we determine who’s “good” or “bad”? It really is impossible. I can’t say that i am a good or bad person; most likely i am between the two, as with most individuals. Everyone tends to be on their best behaviour during the ‘courtship’ period (halal or not), and it’s only when you get married and live with the person, that you see their true colours.
We have to trust in Allah to a certain extent, which does involve ‘doing our homework’, but we’ll never know what the marriage will be like, until the time comes. As long as we prayed Istikaraah, and tried to remain sincere, then whatever happens, even the negative, is Allah’s Will, and there is purpose behind it all.
It’s scary, but that’s life, right?
I do agree that judging on hijab/beard alone is not at all wise. Adaab (character/manners) is more important, but also difficult to assess accurately, pre-marriage. May Allah help us.
iMuslim
March 28, 2007 at 6:04 pm
Nice comment imuslim. I agree. You don’t know a person until you live with them and get to know them. A big part of is Naseeb (qadar) of a person.
organicmuslimah
March 28, 2007 at 6:14 pm
Um, you are lucky masha’Allah for having a ‘good book’ alhamdulilah. I’m not sure if there are more sisters than brothers on that issue, but there are a considerable amount of brothers who are deening…but it’s wise to know which way they are deening because some twist the religion to their own needs although they may appear to be Muslim, so it’s like when a person is searching for a spouse there is the deening category and then there are many other sub-categories to choose from!
uniquemuslimah
March 28, 2007 at 8:48 pm
Organic, these type of brothers won’t like any muslimah who speaks out the truth, they’ll see her as too liberal and westernised. Which is a shame because that’s actually Islamic. I don’t know how long we will wait until we finally see the results of change. I guess Allah won’t change a people’s situation, until they change it for themselves.
uniquemuslimah
March 28, 2007 at 8:50 pm
I think every one of us have annoying details that may not necessarily be bad to score as a bad deed against us…I know that not everything is black or white though but as long as it’s not evil bad, then that’s okay, right? Bad like, oh he leaves the toilet seat open is an okay kind of bad lol.
From my humble experiences I advice people to have a semi-long engagement, believe me, 7 months to one year is enough to at least get an idea of a person and whether there are questionable issues that need to be addressed.
Also your family should ask about that person and his family, hire private investigators (I’m serious lots of people do that) to ask about the family because it’s not about two people coming together, it’s also about two families joining as one.
And we sisters have good sense of judgement, I’m sure we’ll be able to suss out twisted men from the rest. Never rush marriage, always take your time, have a good engagement period where you Islamically get to know the person (you can be talking to him while your family sit nearby) and pray istakhara!
At the end of the day all we can do is ask Allah to grant us a righteous family and make us patient through any hardships we face so we may come out of it stronger.
uniquemuslimah
March 28, 2007 at 8:56 pm
And you have a point, you don’t know a person entirelly until you live with them, it may take years to finally get to know your spouse, maybe decades, maybe minutes or months. It’s all- like Organic said- naseeb.
uniquemuslimah
March 28, 2007 at 8:58 pm
You forgot: NEVER FALL IN LOVE BEFORE MARRIAGE. Use your brains and never be in love.
organicmuslimah
March 28, 2007 at 9:21 pm
Too right! Use your brain on over-drive!
uniquemuslimah
March 28, 2007 at 9:38 pm
@Organic
NEVER FALL IN LOVE BEFORE MARRIAGE.
How the heck does one do that?! I’d really like an answer to that question!
iMuslim
March 29, 2007 at 12:02 am
iMuslim: When you choose your spouse you want to make sure you are compatible on every level. So if you have the same goals in life, same religious views (similar), similar family background and cultural heritage, then you have passed step 1.
Step 2: You then must decide if you get along with the person. A short engagment period will tell you that. So if future husband is quiet and that annoys you. You got the clue.
Step 3: Like Unique mentioned, engagement. And during engagement you may love, but please don’t let love blind you from seeing major flaws. And make it long, at least a year!
Conclusion: The best marriages I’ve seen, the successful ones, are the ones based on logic. Love always comes later.
And this is coming from the mouth of a hopeless romantic, I swear! Do as I say, you will stay out of trouble and make duaa for me.
organicmuslimah
March 29, 2007 at 12:18 am
The only thing that I would recommend is that once the khitbah has occured, both not speak to each other unless there is an important reason. Otherwise, if there isn’t any reason to wait, the couple shouldn’t wait and this is what is recommended by the scholars. I believe on SunniPath there are a few questions and answers on this.
People are more easily going to fall into sin, especially in the times we are in, if they wait longer. There will be the temptation to speak to one another and one thing leads to another.
If someone wants to find out everything about that person, then do so before the khitbah takes place and don’t agree on the promise of marriage until you feel content with him/her.
Umm Layth
March 29, 2007 at 12:50 am
The only thing that I would recommend is that once the khitbah has occured, both not speak to each other unless there is an important reason
That will be a little difficult. So a Khootobah from your point of view, or the scholars, is only to mark your decision that you have “engaged” the person.
So in your opinion, a person should marry without talking to the person for extended length of time, of course keeping the idea that Maharam are in the picture of the constant communication. Because I agree, one may fall into sin if they are left to do these on their own–young people tend to be a little crazy on the hormones!
I also believe there is a differing opinion to which it states it’s okay to speak to one’s fiance to get to know him. Because how would you know the person, unless you speak with them.
The point of this post, a woman’s hijab and few quranic verses aren’t enough to indicate she is the right match. They might be the right “religious” match but not in every other aspect. And the rest comes with “3ishrah” getting to know the person.
You can probably find the question and answer on this topic on Islamonline web.
organicmuslimah
March 29, 2007 at 1:53 am
A khitbah is simply a promise of marriage, that can be taken back at any time.
Speaking to the brother or sister to get to know him is allowed as long as there is no khalwa. This takes place before the khitbah occurs, or atleast should. How can one make a promise of marriage without certainty?
Umm Layth
March 29, 2007 at 1:58 am
I guess we all know there are differences in opinion in many cases, including this one. I think there is a ta’aruf stage before the engagement where the two get to know each other with the presence of their mihrims nearby, and during the engagement the getting to know each other continues to make sure the marriage is based on solid grounds. As long as this is done in an Islamic way, there should be no harm.
I remember reading a hadith that the Prophet said during his time when the sahaba used to differ about issues, he said (please correct me if I’m wrong): Ikhtalafhom ra7ma (their differences are a mercy). So there should be no harm in small differences as long each way is halal.
uniquemuslimah
March 29, 2007 at 7:00 am
Yeah, as long as it is kept halal there is no problem and alhamdulillaah you can always decide to not marry the individual during that period.
You know what bothers me – There are those who believe engagements are the real deal (i.e. marriage) and also people who believe nikah without the waleemah makes the nikah just an engagement.
Umm Layth
March 29, 2007 at 7:41 am
There is a horrible thing happening in my community, whereby if a girl breaks her engagement, she becomes ‘damaged goods’! Seriously! It’s really bad… This can happen, even if it was the guys’ decision to break. I don’t understand the stigma attached to a broken engagement – it’s ridiculous. I think it is just another reason for boy’s mothers to be fussy… girls, if you have sons, please be good & sensible mother-in-laws, I BEG OF YOU! Obviously, same goes for your daughters, but i find that mother’s of sons have this whole ‘pride’ thing… May Allah protect us.
iMuslim
March 29, 2007 at 1:01 pm
Umm- I know! I’ve met people who think it’s best to ‘try before you buy’ thing, so there are no limits in the engagement period for them…
iMuslim, that’s terrible, I think the same thing is happening here, they think that the girl has something wrong with her, which is why the engagement was broken off. That’s why I’ve heard a few scholars say go for the ta’aruf stage which should take a few months whereby you get to know the person in a halal way and then if you think it’s a good deal, get engaged. But here in Egypt lots of people think that when a guy comes to propose and they agree then they have to get engaged and that’s the ta’aruf stage, then when they disagree and break it off, the girl gets a bad reputation…culture culture!
uniquemuslimah
March 29, 2007 at 3:38 pm
I’m with OM, don’t fall in love beforehand. Love means one thing mainly….compromise and compromise breeds resentment and dissatisfaction. A certain amount of compromise is neccessary obviously, but love has a habit of swallowing up the self and recreating it.
It’s not just overseas that people are judging on appearances and pseudo-religiosity, it happens here too. But I think hijab is focused on heaps more than beards. Even non-practicing Muslims want hijabi girls because they equate hijab with being religious and they think being religious means being submissive and the “good obedient wife”, so hijab means she will do whatever he wants, or at least this is what they think. I think, anyway!
Jamila
April 1, 2007 at 3:05 am
In my opinion, a guy should look for a wife who can be a good mother to his future children….who has the potential ability to educate and nuture his future children to become a responsible muslims when they grow-up. A good mother is always a good wife and daughter-in-law because she wants to be a role model to her children. This can be done through observation on the characteristic of the lady in question. Wearing a niqab or hijab does not guarantee that one can be a good mother.
I encountered before those Muslimah who observe hijab but lack good manners and bad hearted who like to create conflicts between husband and his mother or his family. There are others who like to waste time gossiping and waste money spending unnecessarily. There are some who do not even observe sholat! I simply do not understand these kind of behaviours.
2jay
April 9, 2007 at 1:28 am
It isn’t a guarantee at all and never should be a guarantee. However, no man with gheerah wants a wife who is uncovered unless (and take note of this unless) he knows that she just needs encouragement and that by marrying her she will do it.
But that is one example. There are many women out there who say they don’t want to cover period and though they may have a qood quality here and a good quality there (as they are humans) it is sad that they aren’t willing to give Allaah His Right; that is obeying Him. Indeed, part of good akhlaaq is obeying Allaah to the best of one’s ability and refusing to do so is a clear sign of where our love for our Rabb stands.
Umm Layth
April 9, 2007 at 2:35 am
You’re both right, it isn’t a guarantee, a person has to get to know the other person to see their qualities. May Allah grant all the women and men of the ummah good husbands/wives….
uniquemuslimah
April 9, 2007 at 11:47 pm
aameen
Umm Layth
April 10, 2007 at 2:56 am
Here is a link that shows the populations of MUSLIMS around the world:
http://www.islamicweb.com/begin/population.htm
TeacherDanna
April 13, 2007 at 4:22 am
Thank You
Alex
April 22, 2007 at 10:01 pm
Unique Musilmah you really are unique mashAllah! I always enjoy reading your blogs, which display a lot of maturity and knowledge. I feel that I can relate to a lot of what you’re saying. The topic you have raised here is indeed very important, I read on a news website that divorce is on the rise in Muslim communities, which is clearly a very bad thing.
I think essential to spend time speaking to your potential spouse (in an Islamic setting) to discover whether you’re compatible with each other. But it’s also important to do Istikhara as well as speaking to learned scholars. Marriage is the biggest committment we make in our lives and, as Muslims, it’s also half of our faith. Being hasty and rash when it comes to marriage, therefore, is not the way to go.
I also want warn all my sisters to be careful, some brothers will deceive you into thinking they are the ones for you. Always think long and hard before making a committment and if, at any point whatsoever, you feel that someone is not for you, then don’t be afraid to break off ties with him and saying NO (which can, for many reasons, be a very hard thing to do).
I say this from experience. I had a proposal a few months ago from an educated and practising brother. He had a beard, was a lovely person MashAllah and constantly told me he was really interested in me. I knew he had a lot of good attributes (financially sorted, into his deen, confident, etc) but I had a lot of doubts and wasn’t attracted to him in the physical sense. This might seem shallow, but if i’m gonna start a family with my husband, there has to be an attraction towards him. I made a lot of du’a because I was really confused as to what I should do. I hadn’t done Istikhara but, after speaking to him a few times, I said yes to the proposal. This was mainly because I made the FATAL (lol) mistake of thinking ‘what if I never get any one who has as many qualities as this brother?’.
We weren’t officially engaged because the brother wanted to finish his final year of studies and then get engaged, which I was ok with. Although I had deliberately subsided by doubts about the marriage, I carried on making Du’a to Allah asking to bless this relationship only if it was best for me in this world and the aakhira.
After some time, the brother began to act very differently with me, i.e. he became very moody for no reason and wouldn’t make any efforts to speak to me at all (we only talked over the phone, we met once in an Islamic setting). I tried to dismiss his behaviour, I thought he was probably just busy or under work pressure. But his attitude only got worse. I thought about it constantly, I started blaming myself, thinking that perhaps I had done something wrong. When I asked him if everything was ok, he told me I was being paranoid and that everything was fine. After weeks of this behaviour I had had enough, if this was his attitude & behaviour before marriage, what would he be like after marriage?
I told him that it wasn’t going to work and that we should go our separate ways. The swiftness with which his attitude towards me changed (i.e. went from telling me I was the ‘one’ to not even acknowledging me) showed me that he was never genuine in the first place. Everything he said to me was a way to please me, I didn’t like it when he complimented me & when I told him not to, he replied that women like to hear good stuff about themselves, and that he would always tell me pleasing things to make me happy (at the time I thought it was sweet that he wanted to see me happy, but in retrospect I can see that this was a very flawed mentality – you’re clearly playing with someone’s feelings when you say things to them with the intention to please rather than saying them because you mean them).
I always think clearly before making decisions. But on this occassion, the things this brother said to me genuinely made me believe he would love me after marriage and his love for me would make me fall in love with him as well. I agreed to commit to him without fully assessing the situation. Alhamdulila I thank Allah a million billion gazillion times for helping me to see clearly before I made the mistake of actually marrying! This is why du’a is essential. I would really adivse all sisters to do the same and please take your time in making these decisions.
Unique Musilmah’s topic title ‘don’t judge a book’ is wholly appropriate. The brother who proposed to me had a beard, was fully practising, delivered sermons in a number of masjids, was respected by many other brothers, etc, so he appeared to be the one for me. But he dropped his ‘act’ of being in awe of me when he knew that I was his and he ‘had me in the bag’ so to speak. If Allah hadn’t shown me this side to him, I would have ended up marrying him and face many problems.
Good men ARE out there, we need to have sabr and not consider all men to be the same. Although I am really hurt by this brother, I have hope that there is someone out there who is better for me & InshAllah I will be united with him. Sisters, you are all special and are worthy of good men. I want my sisters to get husbands who will treat them like the queens, so please wait for the right man who you can see a future with in this world and in the hereafter
May Allah help us all in our struggles.
findingparadise
May 28, 2007 at 7:17 pm
I must say as a conservative veiled Christian, that we also tend to judge others based on their outward appearance first in terms of finding a spouse. Thank you for sharing about your experiences!
~Anna
cbrunette
May 30, 2007 at 2:59 pm
cbrunette, firstly welcome, it’s lovely to have you here! I really appreciate you giving us another insight to other cultures so we can come to understand each other
I didn’t know that Christians can veil…is it like the nun veil or different? I’d be so interested to know 
Thank you for sharing Anna!
Unique Muslimah
May 31, 2007 at 2:05 am
I agree that whats inside matters but at the same time the hijab expresses modesty as long as people don’t wear it for the worng reason or in an incorrect manner
zoi
August 14, 2007 at 2:17 pm
Salam all muslims !!!
I really love that Vail ( Hajab ) i want all muslim girls be the same …..i am 22 years old from Afghanistan i really like that thanks for making good Example and percuading people……
and this is what i say for my lovely muslim girlfriend that love her tooo much ……
When strangers meet, my love, it is a sweet thing.
When the same realize, to the Lord, their love they will bring.
Together they pray, giving both good and bad to the Lord,
Knowing that it is He that their soul has always adored.
He will intertwine these strangers even though they’ve spoken before,
Until their souls pant for each other and yearn for Him even more.
To lie and speak to Him as they caress and hold tight.
To drift asleep with the voice of their Love as He intimately sings of His guiding Light.
Eyes open by their Love; they see each other as they were meant to be.
No troubles or confusion can mock this thing that He sees as Lovely.
She’ll melt them into one, with the God above, until all fear has fled,
As they lie in Peace, His loving children sound asleep in their Love bed.
A.Zia
August 20, 2007 at 10:45 am
Its true, you can’t judge anyone by their appearance. But if what they’re feeling on the inside is really that deep, shouldn’t that be reflected on the outside as well?
zblacktulip
October 18, 2007 at 4:30 am
Well, this has really opened my eyes. I’m a young muslimah born n bred in London and I find that these issues relate as much to me as to anyone in Egypt.
And I’ll b honest – n although I’m not actively looking for a guy YET – the whole “beard and Sunnah” thing does kinda sweep me away. But as uniquemuslimah attests (and many of my older aunts too), appearance doesn’t always penetrate from within.
The article and the replies, anecdotes, etc. are a great help: it shows me how I can go about the process of engagement/marriage when I find a guy, insha’Allah. Findingparadise’s experience I can guess is all to familiar to many girls – and some have made that mistake of “falling for it”. But insha’Allah, with the infallible tools of Isthikhara and du’as to Allah, the right one for me will be found.
I’m sort of on a mini-quest to gather as many resources that will aid me in this Islamic plight so that I can go in all guns blazing (probably not the best analogy to use in this context). I mean, it is best to have a bank of knowledge (derived purely from the Qur’an and Sunnah) than to gamble on what your heart feels. Logic then love all the way.
P.S. This doesn’t mean there isn’t love at first sight – I’m aware of a few cases where the Muslim brother and sister have simply clicked (in a halal setting, would you believe it). But for the other 98% of us who aren’t destined to meet up this way…
mona j.
October 23, 2007 at 4:24 pm
Mona, it’s great to hear from you
I loved your comment. Insha’Allah you will meet the right man. You know, from what I’ve seen happen to my friends, it happens when they’re not actively looking, they’re just going with the flow, meeting people, getting on with their life and then bamb, it happens. Loads of *freaks* come up on the surface while you’re looking coz they’re the most desperate to get married and hitch an innocent girl along with them, that’s why it doesn’t always work out for the best the first time round.
Unique Muslimah
October 23, 2007 at 6:31 pm
Great piece and excellent writing. Thank you.
I agree that too much emphasis is based on hijab and the beard. I reverted to Islam many years ago and as an American hijab is something I still have not been able to make a permenant part of my life. I have tried on three seperate occasions to wear hijab. The first time I wore it for 3 months, the second time I was able to wear it for 6 months, and the third time I did so for about a year. But, I always end up removing it because I become extremely angry and depressed over the way I am treated everyday when wearing it. I take it for as long as I can and then- nope- can’t take it anymore. It’s not easy on American reverts and we often experience a major identity crisis which is not healthy for a develped person to experience. I think the article above does show that we have become fixated on appearance. I am beginning to think that some people are worshiping hijab instead of Allah. I know because when I am wearing hijab amongst my fellow Muslims I am treated like a saint basically. They don’t seem to care about my true iman inside my heart- just so long as I look pious. This is indeed sad and it’s the state of this world we are in.
just me
November 17, 2007 at 7:49 pm
Hey just me, thank you! Welcome back to Islam:) I’m sorry you went through this experience. It really is hard and once you find peace and your identity within the hijab you will be comfortable insha’allah with it like its your second skin. It is sad. We should judge the person for who they are, not what they appear to look like. Though that doesn’t mean we are putting down wearing the hijab, because it is still a wish God wants from us. But we should be doing it for the right reasons and we should have a good inward personality that reflects what a good muslimah should be like…
I hope your journey with the hijab will be a good one in the future insha’allah:)
Unique Muslimah
November 18, 2007 at 4:13 am
salaam, i wear hijab its been over a year now.
A) its my duty to be covered as a muslim
B) i feel me, my identity.(comfortable)
but i dontt wear a jilbab inshallah i will soon.
i have to admit it is hard to be covered fully. i guess its social influence. most of my mates are muslims and do not cover there head even my family and cousins.one step at a time for me. but i do feel that other girls who wear hijab is it for islam or is it just a show? (Allah swt. knows best) i am trying to do the right thing also by covering and gaining knowledge in islam.
rimsha khan
November 30, 2007 at 3:38 am